Posted by at 6:35 pm  Comments Off on Cube
Apr 282010

For years now, people have been trying to get me to watch this film. I honestly have no idea why I’ve been so hesitant – it may have something to do with the fact that a cube killed my family and that I’m allergic to movies, but I’m probably reading into it too much. The point is that last night I finally gave in and quite frankly, I wish I’d folded sooner. Had I seen Cube thirteen years ago when it was released, I’m pretty sure it would have blown my mind and changed my life forever and honestly, there’s no telling where I’d be now. Senior Advisor to the President of Space, perhaps? A debonair Private Eye? A jackass with a Cube poster on his wall? The possibilities are endless.

Cube’s opening scene is so badass that my dog and I high-fived each other without even looking. Let me spoil it for you: A dude wakes up in a room with doors on each wall, the ceiling, and the floor. He silently goes to each door and opens it, revealing seemingly identical rooms on all sides. Obviously thinking “fuck it”, he walks through the last door he opened and into the center of the adjacent room. Suddenly there’s a quick, clean metallic noise – like a knife being unsheathed – and lines of blood form all over his face and body until he quietly peels apart into little squares of dude that drop to the ground like the weird, slimey ham cubes you put on salads at crappy buffets. It’s then that the camera changes focus, revealing a grid of bloody steel wires. The grid folds up, disappears, and boom – Title screen. At that moment, you are officially this movie’s bitch.

But Cube isn’t just one brutal death scene after another. That opening sequence just serves to show you what this place is capable of. The rest of the movie follows six other (slightly more cautious) unwilling participants as they wander about the Cube, looking for a way out whilst trying not to get dead in the process. No one remembers how they got there and each person seems to have been selected randomly, but as the “prisoners” get to talking (as prisoners do), they begin to discover that perhaps each other’s presence there isn’t so random after all. That’s when the paranoia and self-preservation kick in and the whole thing turns into “Survivor: Death Cube” (Dude I would watch the SHIT out of that for realsies).

While I can understand the paranoia and fear in a situation such as this, I have a hard time understanding the open hostility that everyone shows to one another. Now maybe I’ve just been lucky in that all my death cube experiences have been with the even-tempered and polite, or maybe these folks need to slow their goddamn rolls for a second or two. These constant strange over-reactions by a couple characters are the only moments that the film loses steam for me, and really, if that’s the worst thing you can say about a movie, it ain’t half bad – especially if it was made for only $365k…which it was. And that’s Canadian dollars, motherfucker. So that’s like six bucks U.S. which is super impressive.

So if you haven’t seen Cube, I’d strongly urge you to do so. Like, very strongly. No, seriously, do it. DUDE I WILL BITE YOUR COCKSUCKING FACE OFF. Sorry. It’s contagious.

I give Cube 4 out of 5 descents into madness and myself a gold star for resisting the urge to reference Portal throughout this review.



 Posted by at 3:49 pm  1 Response »
Mar 082010

It is indeed the sweetest and rarest of treats to watch a movie whose plot you have no knowledge of and whose trailers you haven’t seen – especially when that movie turns out to be awesome. Quite frankly, I don’t know how I did it. A movie about space with Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey? My intrinsic connection to the ethereal nerd hive-mind should have alerted me to this movie’s existence the second it was greenlit. Yet somehow, (perhaps my link was weakened when I got to touch boobs for free), it slipped past me until the other day when it was suggested to us on the CineMEH Facebook page. The rest, as they rarely say when a dude watches a movie, is history.

Normally, I would give some sort of synopsis right here but I’m hesitant to do so. If you, like me, managed to never hear dick about this movie, then you have the opportunity to experience it the way I did (which is optimal) and far be it from me to rob you of that. I’ll just stick to robbing you of your french fries when you’re not looking, thank you. (Dude, is that Barry Bostwick? Yoink! Ha! *munch munch munch*)

If you’re some sort of asshole that refuses to watch a movie without knowing at least a little something about it, then here: Sam Rockwell works on the moon. Kevin Spacey is a robot. Shit gets crazy. It is awesome. Now quit being a little bitch and watch it.

I give this movie 8 out of 9 ground-floor shares in Lunar Industries. (This helium-3 thing is gonna make me bank, boy. Ha ha! I WILL FUCKING OWN YOU.)