Spring Break Massacre

 Posted by at 5:05 pm  Comments Off on Spring Break Massacre
Apr 012010

Huzzah! One million times huzzah!!!
Spring Break Massacre, (amazingly the first film ever with that name), is a perfectly crafted throwback to the straight-up teen-slasher horror-comedies of the 80s that, as a genre, has sadly fizzled out. Taking the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach, SBM doesn’t pull any of that “we’re gonna reinvent the genre for a new generation” bullshit. It basically says to you “Hey buddy. Here’s a bunch of jackass muscled-up dudes and a bunch of hot-ass stupid girls. And guess what? You’re gonna see a bunch of boobs and then everyone is going to fucking die. Is that okay with you?” and I’m like “SHIT YEAH THAT’S GREAT THANKS”.

Simply put, this movie is absolutely everything you want it to be. Attempting to explain the plot or pick apart the nuances would be a waste of my time and yours because we both know what it’s about and what happens. What you don’t know is whether or not it’s awesome. Well guess what? It totally is. So on April 20th when it comes out on DVD, you need to find a way to watch it or you will be officially declared an enemy of all that is badass and shunned by society as such.

I give Spring Break Massacre 10 bloody high fives out of a possible 10 bloody high fives. I also give it one slick-ass low five that you totally didn’t see coming.


 Posted by at 6:42 pm  2 Responses »
Mar 292010

This is Zed Wilson. Chances are you’ve never seen him before, but go ahead and get used to that face now because as soon as the right person stumbles upon a little indie-horror film called Trippin’, this dude is gonna be everywhere. At first he’ll probably just appear in some Doritos commercial or something (or maybe Gamefly.com…Jack Link’s Beef Jerky would also work). Then, when he pops up in some horrible direct-to-DVD National Lampoon’s teen sex romp as a stoner frat guy extra with one line (something like “Yeah, man…they’re like…special brownies”), you’ll be like “Oh, hey, that’s that dude from those Burger King commercials”. But it won’t stop there, friends. Suddenly he’s a convenience store clerk that remembers what color shirt a suspect was wearing on Law and Order. Then he’s a bumbling waiter that spills wine onto Vince’s date’s dress on Entourage. Then he’s the old high school friend that accidentally ruins Michael Cera’s chance to impress a mousey indie-rock girl in any given Michael Cera movie. Finally, when he can’t fulfill his obligation to host the Oscars because he’s just been nominated as King of Movies, America will understand and smile politely as Wayne Brady tries to keep the show moving along.

So now that we’ve established that Zed Wilson is actually the subject of Madonna’s “Lucky Star”, what of the movie that shall serve as his vehicle to the unquestioned domination of all media?

Well, based on the cannabis-laden cover and marijuana pun in the tagline, I was pretty apprehensive about Trippin’. See, I hate stoner comedies. I absolutely fucking abhor them. With the exception of a few gems (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Pineapple Express for example), comedic moments in the majority of stoner comedies never progress beyond “BRO THIS MOVIE IS HELLA FUNNY THEY ARE DOING DRUGS LIKE I DO DRUGS LOL”. However, writer / director / forgivable beret enthusiast Devi Snively decided to take the not often traveled high road (that wasn’t a weed joke) by eschewing the “Let’s hotbox Air Force One and watch the president drop it like it’s hot” crap and instead, amazingly, used her characters’ proclivity for substance abuse as a means of furthering a coherent story. I know – nuts, right? (The only exception to this is a few token “fwahuhuh…drugs are good” jokes from our buddy Zed, which is somehow exculpatory due to his affability.)

Despite being made on a budget thinner than DJ Qualls, Trippin’ fucking delivers. People die, frogs are smashed, spaghetti is eaten, and it all looks great. Especially the spaghetti. (I’m super hungry.) There’s even a pretty awesome hallucination scene that, for the first time ever in the history of hallucination scenes, I actually wish was a little bit longer.

The main problem with Trippin’ is this: You’re probably not gonna get to see it. At least not for a while. It’s very slowly and sporadically making its rounds on the indie-horror festival circuit so unless you live in a college town, the chances of Snively and her cohorts dropping by is slim. However, if you’re lucky enough to live somewhere that caters to no-budget film fests, keep an eye on the downtown telephone poles for a flyer. Or just go to the Trippin’ site and check the blog. Or both, if you’re the cautious type.

I give Trippin’ four quaaludes out of a inadvisable five quaaludes.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

 Posted by at 5:36 am  Comments Off on Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever
Feb 252010

Note: If you’re all hung up on politics and brazenly vilify this movie as you raise your sword in defense of Ti West, who wanted his name removed from the film after his artistic vision was hijacked by the producers, do yourself a solid and just stop reading this now because, beyond this opening paragraph, I’m not going to address it again. Yes, it fucking sucks for Mr. West and I have nothing but sympathy for him, but I’m reviewing a horror movie here, not trying to harangue you with my uneducated opinion about the sheisty nature of the film industry and its insatiable appetite for the souls of talented young filmmakers. (That’s what IMDB message boards are for, apparently.) So let’s just all agree that life is unfair, bad things happen to good people, and that Hollywood is a hideous bitch-goddess. Sweet? Sweet. Now lets  get to the movie as it is presented, regardless of the myriad of shitty circumstances leading to its release.

How much do I love the original Cabin Fever? So much that I named my dog “Pancakes”. That’s commitment, motherfucker. That’s like watching Swingers and then deciding to name your dog “Money Baby”. Except it’s not like that at all because that would be retarded and what I did was awesome because as it turns out, I am in fact pretty fucking awesome and I should be rewarded with trophies molded in my visage (but also on the inside they’re chocolate). Anyway, given my obvious personal investment, you can imagine the teste-contracting terror that gripped my soul (and apparently ballsack) when I walked by the Redbox outside 7-Eleven and saw the DVD cover for Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.

“WHAT THE FUCK”, I exclaimed (no I didn’t) as I smashed my fist through the Redbox touch-screen (again, not really). Why would they make this sequel 8 years after the release of the original?  Who the fuck is this Ti West guy? That sounds like the name of a porno director. What happened to Eli Roth? Is he okay? How could he let this happen to me and my dog? Whose 12-year-old nephew got Photoshop Elements free with the laptop he got for Christmas and made this cover art?

Those are all valid questions (and one valid statement) and my outrage was pure and true. So, of course, I rented it – because being angry at movies is my number three favorite hobby after being mad at TV commercials (#2) and being mad at weather (#1).

With almost every conceivable thing about it suggesting the contrary, this movie is actually pretty awesome. It unabashedly delivers the “3 B’s” – Blood, Boobs, and Barf – and does it with a sense of humor about itself that never comes off as blatantly “wacky”.

Not even the fact that the starring role went to the weak-voiced would-be-rapist turned accidental-necrophiliac kid from Deadgirl bothered me.  Even more surprisingly, his archetypal “portly/sex-crazed/wise-cracking sidekick” is somehow believable, natural, and actually funny at times. In fact, almost everyone in this movie goes well beyond typical “direct-to-DVD horror/comedy” standards. (Except the cartoonishly witch-like teacher who chews up the scenery like she has cancer and it’s the cure.) There’s even an amazing cameo by Judah Friedlander and, if you ask me, a fucking Oscar-worthy appearance by Mark Borchardt of American Movie fame.

The one glaring fault of this movie is its last 5 minutes. (Yes, I know it was shot and added by the producers after Ti West washed his hands of the film, but we’re not talking about that, remember?) After a satisfactory ending complete with crane shot and fade-out, the movie suddenly and apropos of NOTHING cuts to what I guess is supposed to be a strip club, where we  meet six new characters as they all clunkily interact with a girl that we haven’t seen since the first half hour of the movie. We get some pointless gross-outs, some even more pointless dialogue, the girl half-heartedly delivers some bullshit joke, and we’re treated to a bizarre cartoon sequence where we see the virus taking over the world.  It’s absolutely ridiculous and almost insulting. It came very close to actually ruining the whole movie for me, but I figured if I could forgive High Tension for its last 10 minutes, I could forgive this – a far lesser movie. I’m tough but fair, folks.

What’s that? You’re wondering what’s up with that sweet picture of the chunky chick up there? Oh, well she has a full-on nude scene and then fucks a villain from an 80s movie in a pool. Then her tooth falls out and she dies. It’s pretty awesome.

As long as you’ve seen the original, I’d say Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever is worth a watch. (It kind of assumes you’ve seen the first one in that it never really explains why everyone’s barfing everywhere and dying.) It’s not a great movie, but with some great use of the 3 B’s, it’s not as bad as you think it’s going to be.

I give this movie 1 dead fat girl in a pool (out of a possible 2 dead fat girls in a pool).


 Posted by at 4:14 am  1 Response »
Feb 062010

I was having trouble sleeping last night, so I decided to browse through the ol’ Watch Instantly queue to find a movie that would facilitate my brain’s wind-down process – marginally entertaining but not at all thought-provoking – preferably with some goofy gore and bad acting. I came across a movie called “Deadgirl” with the following description:

After skipping school and breaking into the boiler room of a deserted mental hospital, buddies Rickie and JT make a shocking discovery: the plastic-covered naked body of a woman lying on a gurney.

Perfect. First of all, when your lead characters are named Rickie and JT, you can be pretty sure you got some zany misadventures coming your way. When those characters skip school to not only go to the “spooky deserted mental hospital” but break into its even spookier boiler room? Hijinks abound, friend! And what of this naked dead chick? Uh oh…I hope she’s not a zombie or a…*gulp*…g-g-g-ghost.

Assuming I was about to watch either a ripoff of Return of the Living Dead III or The Ring (depending on whether the girl was a zombie or a ghost respectively), I settled in, shut off my brain, and hit play.

Holy crap was I ever wrong.

At its core, this movie is about one thing and one thing only: deranged high school kids continually raping a restrained comatose girl in a basement.

That being said, let’s mince words a little.

In the beginning, Ricky and JT are pretty much what you expect – troubled teenagers from broken homes (homes that may or may not be located on the wrong side of the tracks). After causing some general ruckus in the abandoned mental hospital, they come upon the dead girl in the basement. (The Netflix synopsis is accurate so far.) After a lot of “holy shit, dude” and “what the fuck don’t touch her i’ll touch her no don’t oh my god”, the “dead” girl takes a gasp of air and the boys realize she’s actually “alive”. Upon this realization, the standard movie “bad boy” archetype flies out the window when JT decides the only logical thing to do in this situation is to have sex with her. Rickie makes a valid point to JT that perhaps it is fundamentally wrong to rape a semi-conscious naked girl you just found chained up in a basement. JT disagrees with this assertion and punches Rickie in the face. Rickie deals with this by going home and not calling the police.

Rickie spends the next hour of the movie sulking and meandering about town, mumbling trite unprovoked nihilistic quips to unhip adults and pining for a girl that doesn’t return his affection (most likely because he’s an insufferable mopey jerk-off). JT, on the other hand, recruits his Spicoli-esque yet equally depraved buddy Wheeler to spend the next hour of the movie fucking, punching, and shooting the restrained unkillable zombie girl.

Now we have to clear something up. Is “Deadgirl” a misogynistic exploitative piece of garbage glorifying bondage and rape? Absolutely not, but it is by no means tasteful.

PRO: Despite the fact that the entire movie revolves around this zombie girl unwillingly getting a train busted on her, there aren’t any graphic depictions of the act itself. (There is, however, a shot featuring a pretty out of control merkin.)

CON: We are reminded a few times by JT that “she isn’t really human”, but seeing as how her mannerisms are more akin to those of a doped-up mute college girl than those of your typical movie zombie (e.g. biting, growling, proclaiming a hunger for brains), you often find your self thinking “Why the fuck is any of this even happening right now and why am I watching it?”

I could go back and forth on this for hours but I guess what it all really boils down to is this: If you do not believe “artistic expression” justifies the depiction of deplorable acts, you should really just save your outrage and not watch this movie. You should also not watch this movie if you are my mother. (Seriously, Mom, I will never be able to look you in the eye again. I hear “Julie & Julia” is cute. Go watch that.)

However, if you feel that you can conscionably view flagrant atrocities by reminding yourself that in an “artistic sense”, they serve to explore the theme of man’s innate cruelty and barbarism when left unchecked, or more accurately, serve to explore the theme of self-discovery and empowerment by way of sadism, sexual dominance, and necrophilia, go ahead and give this one a go. But be prepared to have your sensibilities challenged. (Also be prepared for the urge to punch every single character in this movie in their stupid mouths. It’s a veritable 3 ring circus of douchebaggery.)

If you are a pretentious film student that only watches indie flicks, thinks everything should “push the envelope”, and enjoys aggrandizing mediocre films by comparing aspects to literature and mythos (e.g. “the dog in this film represents the Egyptian god of the underworld Anubis in that he stands guard over the room in which the dead girl resides), then guess what – you just got a new favorite movie.

You will also probably really like this movie if you’re a rapist.

I give this movie 10 out of 5 uncomfortable furrowed brows.

Boy Eats Girl

 Posted by at 2:32 am  Comments Off on Boy Eats Girl
Jan 272010

boy eats girlSimply looking at the cover of Boy Eats Girl is bound to raise a few questions. For example: “Is this movie a Shaun of the Dead ripoff?” The answer to that is “No”. Then you may ask “Is this movie anything like Shaun of the Dead?” The answer to that is also “No, aside from the fact that there are zombies in it”. Then you’ll probably ask “Does this movie have any of the people from Shaun of the Dead in it? Does it have any of the wit and charm of Shaun of the Dead? Have you ever seen Shaun of the Dead? Isn’t Shaun of the Dead a totally great movie?” The answers to those questions are “I don’t think so”, “No, it doesn’t”, “Yes”, and “Yeah, it really is”. Once all the Shaun of the Dead questions are out of your system, you’ll begin to ask yourself the really important questions:

Does this movie have a completely awesome scene involving a thresher and bunch of zombies getting chopped the fuck up?

Yes. It rules.

Was this movie made in association with the Irish Film Board?

As a matter of fact it was.

Do you almost see boobs a couple of times?


Is there an actor in this movie named “Tadgh”?

Nope. His name is Tadhg.

Does an old lady ever crash a moped then get eaten by zombies?

Just once.

Are all the high school kids played by 30 year old actors/actresses?

Yup. One of them kinda looks like a bloated Todd Stashwick.

So is this movie as awesome as I think it’s gonna be?

Probably not.

Oh. Should I watch it anyway?

I dunno. Sure.

So, if after all that you decide you do want to watch Boy Eats Girl, may I suggest not clicking the “spoiler alert” link? As the name would suggest, it contains spoilers. If you decided this movie can suck it and you’d rather just go watch Shaun of the Dead, read this bad boy to the bitter end. Or don’t. See if I care. Fuck you. Dick.


When a very handsome but unpopular high school boy thinks he sees a girl he likes giving head to some dude, he decides to kill himself. He wusses out at the last second but then his hot mom accidentally kills him anyway. Fortunately, the hot mom works in some mysterious underground catacombs so she steals a book of voodoo rituals to bring her son back to life. Unfortunately, there was a page missing from the book so instead of coming back to life, he turns into a zombie.

The zombie dude goes to the prom and bites some asshole’s face – turning him into a zombie as well. The asshole zombie bites a bunch more people (including a guy named Craig) and pretty quick, everyone in town is a crazy-ass zombie.

Spoiler Alert! Click here to ruin the movie for yourself ▼

And that’s that.

Not good enough to really remember, but not bad enough to get pissed about, I give this movie 2 out of 5 misinterpreted blowjobs.