Spring Break Massacre

 Posted by at 5:05 pm  Comments Off on Spring Break Massacre
Apr 012010

Huzzah! One million times huzzah!!!
Spring Break Massacre, (amazingly the first film ever with that name), is a perfectly crafted throwback to the straight-up teen-slasher horror-comedies of the 80s that, as a genre, has sadly fizzled out. Taking the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach, SBM doesn’t pull any of that “we’re gonna reinvent the genre for a new generation” bullshit. It basically says to you “Hey buddy. Here’s a bunch of jackass muscled-up dudes and a bunch of hot-ass stupid girls. And guess what? You’re gonna see a bunch of boobs and then everyone is going to fucking die. Is that okay with you?” and I’m like “SHIT YEAH THAT’S GREAT THANKS”.

Simply put, this movie is absolutely everything you want it to be. Attempting to explain the plot or pick apart the nuances would be a waste of my time and yours because we both know what it’s about and what happens. What you don’t know is whether or not it’s awesome. Well guess what? It totally is. So on April 20th when it comes out on DVD, you need to find a way to watch it or you will be officially declared an enemy of all that is badass and shunned by society as such.

I give Spring Break Massacre 10 bloody high fives out of a possible 10 bloody high fives. I also give it one slick-ass low five that you totally didn’t see coming.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

 Posted by at 5:36 am  Comments Off on Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever
Feb 252010

Note: If you’re all hung up on politics and brazenly vilify this movie as you raise your sword in defense of Ti West, who wanted his name removed from the film after his artistic vision was hijacked by the producers, do yourself a solid and just stop reading this now because, beyond this opening paragraph, I’m not going to address it again. Yes, it fucking sucks for Mr. West and I have nothing but sympathy for him, but I’m reviewing a horror movie here, not trying to harangue you with my uneducated opinion about the sheisty nature of the film industry and its insatiable appetite for the souls of talented young filmmakers. (That’s what IMDB message boards are for, apparently.) So let’s just all agree that life is unfair, bad things happen to good people, and that Hollywood is a hideous bitch-goddess. Sweet? Sweet. Now lets  get to the movie as it is presented, regardless of the myriad of shitty circumstances leading to its release.

How much do I love the original Cabin Fever? So much that I named my dog “Pancakes”. That’s commitment, motherfucker. That’s like watching Swingers and then deciding to name your dog “Money Baby”. Except it’s not like that at all because that would be retarded and what I did was awesome because as it turns out, I am in fact pretty fucking awesome and I should be rewarded with trophies molded in my visage (but also on the inside they’re chocolate). Anyway, given my obvious personal investment, you can imagine the teste-contracting terror that gripped my soul (and apparently ballsack) when I walked by the Redbox outside 7-Eleven and saw the DVD cover for Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.

“WHAT THE FUCK”, I exclaimed (no I didn’t) as I smashed my fist through the Redbox touch-screen (again, not really). Why would they make this sequel 8 years after the release of the original?  Who the fuck is this Ti West guy? That sounds like the name of a porno director. What happened to Eli Roth? Is he okay? How could he let this happen to me and my dog? Whose 12-year-old nephew got Photoshop Elements free with the laptop he got for Christmas and made this cover art?

Those are all valid questions (and one valid statement) and my outrage was pure and true. So, of course, I rented it – because being angry at movies is my number three favorite hobby after being mad at TV commercials (#2) and being mad at weather (#1).

With almost every conceivable thing about it suggesting the contrary, this movie is actually pretty awesome. It unabashedly delivers the “3 B’s” – Blood, Boobs, and Barf – and does it with a sense of humor about itself that never comes off as blatantly “wacky”.

Not even the fact that the starring role went to the weak-voiced would-be-rapist turned accidental-necrophiliac kid from Deadgirl bothered me.  Even more surprisingly, his archetypal “portly/sex-crazed/wise-cracking sidekick” is somehow believable, natural, and actually funny at times. In fact, almost everyone in this movie goes well beyond typical “direct-to-DVD horror/comedy” standards. (Except the cartoonishly witch-like teacher who chews up the scenery like she has cancer and it’s the cure.) There’s even an amazing cameo by Judah Friedlander and, if you ask me, a fucking Oscar-worthy appearance by Mark Borchardt of American Movie fame.

The one glaring fault of this movie is its last 5 minutes. (Yes, I know it was shot and added by the producers after Ti West washed his hands of the film, but we’re not talking about that, remember?) After a satisfactory ending complete with crane shot and fade-out, the movie suddenly and apropos of NOTHING cuts to what I guess is supposed to be a strip club, where we  meet six new characters as they all clunkily interact with a girl that we haven’t seen since the first half hour of the movie. We get some pointless gross-outs, some even more pointless dialogue, the girl half-heartedly delivers some bullshit joke, and we’re treated to a bizarre cartoon sequence where we see the virus taking over the world.  It’s absolutely ridiculous and almost insulting. It came very close to actually ruining the whole movie for me, but I figured if I could forgive High Tension for its last 10 minutes, I could forgive this – a far lesser movie. I’m tough but fair, folks.

What’s that? You’re wondering what’s up with that sweet picture of the chunky chick up there? Oh, well she has a full-on nude scene and then fucks a villain from an 80s movie in a pool. Then her tooth falls out and she dies. It’s pretty awesome.

As long as you’ve seen the original, I’d say Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever is worth a watch. (It kind of assumes you’ve seen the first one in that it never really explains why everyone’s barfing everywhere and dying.) It’s not a great movie, but with some great use of the 3 B’s, it’s not as bad as you think it’s going to be.

I give this movie 1 dead fat girl in a pool (out of a possible 2 dead fat girls in a pool).

The Cell 2

 Posted by at 4:19 am  Comments Off on The Cell 2
Feb 182010

Jesus Christ, The Cell 2 is a bad movie. And I don’t mean “bad” like “John Waters bad”, or bad like “Tommy Wiseau’s The Room bad”, I mean good ol’ fashion BAD. The kind of bad that makes me want to break in to fits about once a minute because I know that somebody got paid for this piece of shit. It’s bad enough that movies like this are a common occurrence, but the fact that it is actually called “The Cell 2” chaps my fucking hide. Really? As in the sequel to that one movie with Jennifer Lopez that was surprisingly awesome? Don’t be fooled, friends. This movie has NOTHING to do with the original.

At the beginning of this colossal flop, they use an arbitrary clip from the original movie. This is the only thing the two movies have in common. Everything that follows is just a manic flurry of bad acting and terrible special effects. Here’s how it all plays out. Maya is a psychic detective, hot on the trail of a serial killer. Once upon a time she was kidnapped by this serial killer, but unfortunately she escaped. Ever since then she’s had an unexplainable psychic connection to this dude. I say unexplainable because they never fucking explain this phenomenon. Hey, remember how in the original movie Jennifer Lopez infiltrates the subconscious of Vincent D’Onofrio, and you get to see all kinds of cool shit? Like a horse being cleanly sliced into several segments, awesome costumes and lots of brilliant colors? In this movie Maya just gets to see what the killer sees. There are no chopped up animals. No super cool costume designs. Just some dude strapping girls to chairs over and over again. At one point early on there are boobs, but then there are no more boobs for the remainder of the movie. There’s a twist at the end (the killer was the deputy all along!) and Maya ends up killing the bad guy. Huzzah!

Incredibly, this movie was directed by Tim Iacofano, who has been nominated for not one, but two Emmys. What!?! During the hour and a half I sat through The Cell 2, I could have sworn that each and every actor was being directed NOT to act. There’s a scene in which a dude performs CPR on a women’s stomach. ON HER STOMACH. During another scene Maya and her meathead partner lay low in an apartment:
Maya: “What is this place?”
Meathead: “We call it a safehouse.”
Fuck yea! Give Tim Iacofano the fucking Emmy already!

If you’ve got the friends and the time, I guess you could watch The Cell 2. Don’t worry about being stumped for jokes, though. This movie provides them in spades.

I give The Cell 2: Two Emmy nominations.

I Got Rik’s Back!
Dude, it’s like they made “Ghost Dad” but called it “Ghostbusters III”.



 Posted by at 4:38 pm  Comments Off on Cashback
Jan 282010

Cashback tells the story of Ben, a heartbroken, young employee of Sainsbury’s Supermarket. When Ben is not busy doing whatever he’s supposed to be doing, he freezes time in order to undress unsuspecting female shoppers. If you think this is the perfect excuse to put a gratuitous amount of boobs in a movie, then you are correct. But guess what else? Vagina! Tons of full-frontal nudity. What could possibly go wrong? You’d be surprised.

The movie begins with a slow-motion shot of a very angry young lady screaming (what one assumes are) expletives. In place of the young ladies screams is a narrative by our protagonist, Ben. The narrative starts with this opening scene, and it doesn’t stop for nearly two hours! Every single detail of this movie is explained (in further detail) by Ben. Call me crazy, but save that shit for the book. Sure, there is a time and place, but the great thing about film is that it is able to convey all of the unspoken aspects of a film in such a way that a narrative is unnecessary.

Aside from the over the top narration, Ben is just plain boring. I couldn’t care less about this dude. In an apparent attempt to distract us from this point, the writer/director, Sean Ellis, peppers the entire film with outrageous comedic moments. I didn’t find myself laughing once. Every joke in this movie is absolutely contrived. It’s as though Ellis is so pretentious that he cannot allow himself to recognize true humor, and that’s too bad considering the movie is billed as a romantic comedy.

All in all, Cashback is too hip for its own good. If you are in the market for a romantic comedy, check out Out to Sea instead. Seriously, nobody can deny the Walter Matthau/Jack Lemmon power duo. If you are desperate to see a bunch of boobies and a decent amount of trim to boot, watch the first 20 minutes of Cashback. But I imagine you would have a better time finding the same thing anywhere online.

I give this movie: 1 kick to the gonads (out of a possible 1 kick to the gonads)


Ben, a heartbroken young artist works at a shitty supermarket, complete with a atypical asshole boss, goofy co-workers, and a not so mildly attractive young cashier. While working, Ben often stops time in order to undress ridiculously hot and unsuspecting female shoppers so that he can “sketch” them. Ben is totally bummed about his recent break-up, and spends most of the movie talking about how and why he is in love with the female form. This explanation legitimizes his nasty habit of all but raping ridiculously hot and unsuspecting female shoppers. In a shocking turn of events, Ben falls in love with the mildly attractive young cashier. During all of this, nothing funny happens. The end.

A Second Opinion

I got a joke for you. Okay…what do you get when you mix the narration of “Fight Club”, the tone and abstruseness of “Donnie Darko”, and the character archetypes of Justin Long vehicle “Waiting”? Give up? A six hour long pretentious piece of garbage that plays out like a jumbled mess of watered down bits of much better movies. HA.

But seriously folks, despite all that, Cashback managed to score an extra point with me for having the chutzpah to place not one, but two naked old man farts in between chunks of self-indulgent voiceover within the first five minutes. Kudos, Cashback. Kudos.