Escape From Darwin

 Posted by at 1:00 pm  3 Responses »
Mar 302010

Two things you should know about my mom to understand my review of Escape From Darwin:

1.) She’s a classy dame.
Being polite is very important to my mom and as a result, became very important to me. As a weakling that will do almost anything to avoid confrontation, I became exceptionally skilled in politeness over the years by referring to a few simple rules my mom laid down – the most often used being “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Ergo, I’m a pretty quiet dude.

2.) She’s a decent cook.
She’s no Julia Child, that’s for sure, but my mom is a master of midwestern white trash comfort food. But she doesn’t stop at simply putting cut-up hotdogs in your mac and cheese. She pushes the envelope and finds new and inventive ways to make total crap taste goodish. We went through a lot of ketchup. (It was the Reagan years.)

She also plays the accordion, is super good at suppressing rage, and gives totally bad-ass hugs. She’s a class act, that mom of mine. Anyway, keeping in mind my upbringing, let’s get to my review of a movie called Escape From Darwin.

I watched a movie called Escape From Darwin. It is a movie.

Here is my mom’s recipe for Taco Puffs:

1 lb. ground beef

1/2 cup chopped onion

1 envelope taco seasoning

2 17.3 oz. tubes large refrigerated biscuits

8 oz. cheddar cheese, cut into 16 slices or 2 cups (8 oz.) shredded cheddar cheese

On a skillet, cook beef and onion over medium heat until beef is browned an onion is tender. Drain. Add the taco seasoning and prepare according to package directions. Cool slightly. Flatten half of the biscuits into 4″ circles, place in greased 15″x10″x1″ baking pans. Spoon 1/4 cup meat mixture onto each; top with 2 cheese slices or 1/4 cup shredded cheese. Flatten remaining biscuits; place on top and pinch edges to seal tightly. Bake at 400° for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Makes 8 puffs.

These things are so delicious it’s ridiculous. For added awesomeness, you can melt some cheese on top of the puffs and add some Tapatio and Escape From Darwin is a boring convoluted fucking unwatchable waste of time and I AM SORRY MOM.

The Cell 2

 Posted by at 4:19 am  Comments Off on The Cell 2
Feb 182010

Jesus Christ, The Cell 2 is a bad movie. And I don’t mean “bad” like “John Waters bad”, or bad like “Tommy Wiseau’s The Room bad”, I mean good ol’ fashion BAD. The kind of bad that makes me want to break in to fits about once a minute because I know that somebody got paid for this piece of shit. It’s bad enough that movies like this are a common occurrence, but the fact that it is actually called “The Cell 2” chaps my fucking hide. Really? As in the sequel to that one movie with Jennifer Lopez that was surprisingly awesome? Don’t be fooled, friends. This movie has NOTHING to do with the original.

At the beginning of this colossal flop, they use an arbitrary clip from the original movie. This is the only thing the two movies have in common. Everything that follows is just a manic flurry of bad acting and terrible special effects. Here’s how it all plays out. Maya is a psychic detective, hot on the trail of a serial killer. Once upon a time she was kidnapped by this serial killer, but unfortunately she escaped. Ever since then she’s had an unexplainable psychic connection to this dude. I say unexplainable because they never fucking explain this phenomenon. Hey, remember how in the original movie Jennifer Lopez infiltrates the subconscious of Vincent D’Onofrio, and you get to see all kinds of cool shit? Like a horse being cleanly sliced into several segments, awesome costumes and lots of brilliant colors? In this movie Maya just gets to see what the killer sees. There are no chopped up animals. No super cool costume designs. Just some dude strapping girls to chairs over and over again. At one point early on there are boobs, but then there are no more boobs for the remainder of the movie. There’s a twist at the end (the killer was the deputy all along!) and Maya ends up killing the bad guy. Huzzah!

Incredibly, this movie was directed by Tim Iacofano, who has been nominated for not one, but two Emmys. What!?! During the hour and a half I sat through The Cell 2, I could have sworn that each and every actor was being directed NOT to act. There’s a scene in which a dude performs CPR on a women’s stomach. ON HER STOMACH. During another scene Maya and her meathead partner lay low in an apartment:
Maya: “What is this place?”
Meathead: “We call it a safehouse.”
Fuck yea! Give Tim Iacofano the fucking Emmy already!

If you’ve got the friends and the time, I guess you could watch The Cell 2. Don’t worry about being stumped for jokes, though. This movie provides them in spades.

I give The Cell 2: Two Emmy nominations.

I Got Rik’s Back!
Dude, it’s like they made “Ghost Dad” but called it “Ghostbusters III”.