Posted by at 1:21 am  2 Responses »
Jun 282010

Looking at the movie poster for “Teeth” with its artful use of negative space and understated Sundance Special Jury Prize, you may get the impression that someone “finally got it right”. But don’t be fooled – “Teeth” is just another cookie-cutter, film-by-numbers, money-making juggernaut in the tired and worn “Girls With Teeth In Their Vaginas” genre that has dominated theaters for the last decade.

I get it. You have teeth in your vagina. Big fucking whoop. It’s been done to death. Next.

What blows my mind is that of the 237 some odd movies that make up this grossly over-saturated genre, none of them have the balls to venture off the beaten path for even a moment. There’s a million things that could be done outside of the standard “Girl has teeth in her vagina -> Girl bites a bunch of rapist’s dicks off -> We all learn a very important lesson about not raping girls because they might have teeth in their vagina that will bite your fucking rapist dick off” formula.

For instance, what if one of the vag-teeth got a cavity? You could have a really captivating sub-plot involving the HMO arguing that technically, it’s neither dental nor gynecological exclusively, so they deny the claim. These are the sorts of issues that affect those who suffer from Vagina Dentada on a daily basis. Perhaps instead of exploiting these poor girls, making them the punchline of every single joke on late night TV, we should turn an understanding eye to them and, oh I don’t know, maybe try to help them. I’m looking in your direction, Science. I know that a douche that also whitens isn’t impossible. So what’s the hold-up?

Alright, this is getting progressively less funny. Go watch Teeth. It’s fucking amazing.

Oh…and try singing “Vagina Dentada” to the tune of “Hakuna Matada”. It’ll be in your head all day. You’re welcome.

I give Teeth 9 out of 10 munched up dicks. OM NOM NOM.


 Posted by at 6:35 pm  Comments Off on Cube
Apr 282010

For years now, people have been trying to get me to watch this film. I honestly have no idea why I’ve been so hesitant – it may have something to do with the fact that a cube killed my family and that I’m allergic to movies, but I’m probably reading into it too much. The point is that last night I finally gave in and quite frankly, I wish I’d folded sooner. Had I seen Cube thirteen years ago when it was released, I’m pretty sure it would have blown my mind and changed my life forever and honestly, there’s no telling where I’d be now. Senior Advisor to the President of Space, perhaps? A debonair Private Eye? A jackass with a Cube poster on his wall? The possibilities are endless.

Cube’s opening scene is so badass that my dog and I high-fived each other without even looking. Let me spoil it for you: A dude wakes up in a room with doors on each wall, the ceiling, and the floor. He silently goes to each door and opens it, revealing seemingly identical rooms on all sides. Obviously thinking “fuck it”, he walks through the last door he opened and into the center of the adjacent room. Suddenly there’s a quick, clean metallic noise – like a knife being unsheathed – and lines of blood form all over his face and body until he quietly peels apart into little squares of dude that drop to the ground like the weird, slimey ham cubes you put on salads at crappy buffets. It’s then that the camera changes focus, revealing a grid of bloody steel wires. The grid folds up, disappears, and boom – Title screen. At that moment, you are officially this movie’s bitch.

But Cube isn’t just one brutal death scene after another. That opening sequence just serves to show you what this place is capable of. The rest of the movie follows six other (slightly more cautious) unwilling participants as they wander about the Cube, looking for a way out whilst trying not to get dead in the process. No one remembers how they got there and each person seems to have been selected randomly, but as the “prisoners” get to talking (as prisoners do), they begin to discover that perhaps each other’s presence there isn’t so random after all. That’s when the paranoia and self-preservation kick in and the whole thing turns into “Survivor: Death Cube” (Dude I would watch the SHIT out of that for realsies).

While I can understand the paranoia and fear in a situation such as this, I have a hard time understanding the open hostility that everyone shows to one another. Now maybe I’ve just been lucky in that all my death cube experiences have been with the even-tempered and polite, or maybe these folks need to slow their goddamn rolls for a second or two. These constant strange over-reactions by a couple characters are the only moments that the film loses steam for me, and really, if that’s the worst thing you can say about a movie, it ain’t half bad – especially if it was made for only $365k…which it was. And that’s Canadian dollars, motherfucker. So that’s like six bucks U.S. which is super impressive.

So if you haven’t seen Cube, I’d strongly urge you to do so. Like, very strongly. No, seriously, do it. DUDE I WILL BITE YOUR COCKSUCKING FACE OFF. Sorry. It’s contagious.

I give Cube 4 out of 5 descents into madness and myself a gold star for resisting the urge to reference Portal throughout this review.



 Posted by at 8:44 pm  Comments Off on JCVD
Apr 262010

“JCVD” is not the typical high action, low budget, straight-to-DVD, movie we’ve all come to expect from Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, with the exception of one of the greatest credit sequences in movie history, JCVD doesn’t deliver much in the karate department. But what the movie lacks in martial arts, it more than makes up for in cinematic arts. This isn’t an action flick, it’s a moving and intimate portrayal of an actor turned industry joke. During Van Damme’s 25 year career in Hollywood, he has been consistently typecast, labeled a one-trick pony and found himself at the center of drug and relationship scandals. Jean-Claude Van Damme could have easily rectified his problems with karate chops, but in JCVD he faces all of the criticisms without resorting to violence, and in the process displays more vulnerability and humanity than any other actor in Hollywood to date.

Here’s the plot: after losing a messy custody battle with his ex-wife, not to mention losing a movie role to Steven Seagal, Van Damme heads back to Belgium to get his life in order and to get back in touch with his roots. Upon arriving in Belgium, tired and out of money, Van Damme heads over to the local bank to retrieve a wire transfer, but the bank has been taken over by three gun wielding maniacs. When the police mistakenly pin the whole mess on Jean-Claude, he soon becomes intrinsically wrapped up in the robbery. Jean-Claude Van Damme finds himself in a familiar predicament, but this time it’s real life and his Hollywood training can’t save him.

I know that this all seems like the perfect formula for action but as it turns out, it’s actually the perfect formula for exposing the human flaws within Jean-Claude Van Damme. Between the scenes inside and outside the bank, there are vignettes which reflect JCVD’s deteriorating situation. These scenes expose his failed marriage, the rocky relationship with his daughter, and his ailing movie career. Once all of these elements come together, why JCVD doesn’t simply clobber the bad guys is understandable; he’s no action hero, he’s just a has been and he knows it. So he doesn’t save the day with extreme prejudice, instead he does like all of the other hostages and obeys commands in order to walk out alive.

If this all sounds a bit too touchy-feely, well, I guess it is. Sure, there’s plenty of action and excitement too, but when all of those aspects are forgotten, what you will remember about this movie comes in at about the 1 hour mark: at this point the camera locks in on JCVD and the movie stops. JCVD is lifted out of the scene and then he delivers one of the most stirring monologues I’ve ever heard. In this five minute monologue JCVD confronts the criticisms that have plagued his career, taking responsibility and showing true remorse and character. I don’t want to give too much away, but by the end of the scene JCVD cries, and then you cry. When this scene comes, don’t fight back the tears. Let them come naturally (they will come) so that you and JCVD can share this moment together.

As JCVD Appreciation Week draws to a close I can’t think of a better movie to end it with. Whether you love or hate JCVD, after seeing this movie I guarantee you are bound to walk away with a better appreciation of the man, and his movies.

I give JCVD: Custody of my heart


 Posted by at 7:15 pm  Comments Off on Transmorphers
Apr 012010

At what point does a movie transform (or rather “transmorph”) from your run-of-the-mill awful movie to a absurdly surreal accidental masterpiece? I have no idea, but Transmorphers rocketed past that point and became one of my new favorite movies.

Don’t get confused. Transmorphers is not a parody film. In fact, it seems to have absolutely no sense of humor about itself whatsoever. It’s as if writer/director Leigh Scott woke up one day, sat down in front of his computer, opened his cracked copy of Final Draft Pro, took a swig of Jim Beam, popped his knuckles, and said “This is going to be awesome“. The resulting script is so bad – I mean…just unbelievably intensely bad – that it becomes art. Like when a mentally retarded inner-city youth makes a finger-painting of JFK on some old driftwood and it sells at auction for $40K. And why are art collectors willing to pay that? Because they’re a bunch of fucking jagoffs that deserve to have their eyes raped out by a scabby drifter’s mangy dog cuz they obviously don’t know how to use those eyes correctly anyway, but I digress. What I meant to say is, how does something like this script just blow past “bad” and end up being kind of amazing?

Because it’s completely earnest. There’s no indication that this was some throwaway script quickly turned into a movie to capitalize off the release of Transformers. It was Mr. Scott’s vision brought to life. He honestly put countless hours into writing and rewriting…building intricate back-stories for every character…establishing a timeline of future events…it was the very best he could do and it is absolutely horrible. At some point someone must have said to him, “Jeez, Leigh…you know, this script really isn’t very good” to which he responded “FUCK YOU, JERK”. Then, with the cocksure resolve of a conductor piloting a train down the track the wrong way – truly believing in his heart of hearts that the oncoming train will swerve – Leigh Scott somehow got $250,000 and made his movie.

Let’s see if I can possibly reduce the plot of this tour de force to one short paragraph. Wish me luck.

In 2014 a bunch of robot aliens landed on Earth, killed 90% of humanity, and did something to block out the sun. Some people moved underground and started a military that doesn’t do anything. 300 years later, someone gets a wild hair up their ass to fight the robot aliens. Everyone talks about it for a really long time and a bunch of lesbians fight and say hurtful things to each other. Eventually they send an android that didn’t know he was an android (but kind of always knew he was an android) to some tower that I guess also is a robot alien (in tower form). The android guy does something in the tower that makes all the robot aliens die or go away. Then all the clouds that the robot aliens put in the sky disappear and everyone is happy.

For 85 jaw-dropping minutes, this story plays out like a Cinemax late-night softcore porno with all the “sex” scenes cut out. The already cringe-inducing melodramatically written dialogue spills out of the actors’ mouths with such bizarre inflection yet absolute certainty that it feels less like a movie and more like a kindergarten class staging a performance of Terminator: Salvation – everyone knows what they’re supposed to say and do but none of them have any idea what it means. Because of this, the film becomes strangely endearing. You end up being proud of the actors when they get through a line correctly without looking at the camera or respond to another character with somewhat appropriate tonality.

Have you ever seen a three-legged dog try to hump something? At first, it’s hilarious. Then, as he struggles to keep his balance but keeps on falling, it gets kind of sad. But when he just won’t give up no matter how many times he falls on his face, it comes back around to being hilarious again. Transmorphers is that three-legged dog and you absolutely need to watch it. Have some buddies over, get some pizza and beer or whatever, and get ready for a pièce de résistance of mind-blowing failure that will change your life…or at the very least change your night.

I give Transmorphers 10 out of 10 unnecessary lesbian fistfights.

Spring Break Massacre

 Posted by at 5:05 pm  Comments Off on Spring Break Massacre
Apr 012010

Huzzah! One million times huzzah!!!
Spring Break Massacre, (amazingly the first film ever with that name), is a perfectly crafted throwback to the straight-up teen-slasher horror-comedies of the 80s that, as a genre, has sadly fizzled out. Taking the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach, SBM doesn’t pull any of that “we’re gonna reinvent the genre for a new generation” bullshit. It basically says to you “Hey buddy. Here’s a bunch of jackass muscled-up dudes and a bunch of hot-ass stupid girls. And guess what? You’re gonna see a bunch of boobs and then everyone is going to fucking die. Is that okay with you?” and I’m like “SHIT YEAH THAT’S GREAT THANKS”.

Simply put, this movie is absolutely everything you want it to be. Attempting to explain the plot or pick apart the nuances would be a waste of my time and yours because we both know what it’s about and what happens. What you don’t know is whether or not it’s awesome. Well guess what? It totally is. So on April 20th when it comes out on DVD, you need to find a way to watch it or you will be officially declared an enemy of all that is badass and shunned by society as such.

I give Spring Break Massacre 10 bloody high fives out of a possible 10 bloody high fives. I also give it one slick-ass low five that you totally didn’t see coming.

Tokyo Gore Police

 Posted by at 6:40 pm  1 Response »
Feb 182010

Question: Is Tokyo Gore Police the most awesome movie ever made?

Answer: Yes.

And that shit isn’t even an opinion. That’s a fucking fact, Jack.

I’m not even going to bother giving you a review or a plot synopsis or whatever. There’s no point. All you need to know is that it just doesn’t get any more awesome than this movie and the fact that you’re not watching it right now makes you an idiot. So go watch it. Now.

Really? You’re still just reading this? Are you being difficult on purpose or are you just a douche that hates things that are awesome?

Listen up, horse. I’ve led you to this water and so help me god, you are going to fucking drink. Allow me to explain something to you – The title screen for Tokyo Gore Police occurs 8 minutes and 48 seconds into the film. Here is a rundown of what happens in that beautiful 8 minutes and 48 seconds BEFORE THE NAME OF THE MOVIE EVEN APPEARS:

0:00 – 0:39
Filmed in association with blah blah blah.

The movie begins and we see some pretty flowers.

A dude’s head explodes.

A dude eats another dude’s organs with chopsticks.

A dude does Leatherface’s “Chainsaw Shuffle”.

A chick slices her arm with a box cutter like 47 times.

4:41 – 5:01
A dude is shot until his arm falls off and then…

…a crazy-ass bio-mech chainsaw grows out of the bloody stump.

A cop’s head gets chopped off.

A chick flies to the top of a building on a bazooka.

A dude gets a chainsaw tossed into his mouth which chops his face in half.

Arm chopped off.

Ear chopped off.

Nose chopped off.

Eyeball falls out.

Chick chops dude in half vertically with a sword.

Title screen.

Yeah. And the remaining 1 hour and 40 minutes makes those first 9 minutes look like fucking “Milo and Otis”. I give this movie two severed thumbs up and the soul of my first born child (whom I will name “Tokyo Gore Police”).