Death Warrant

 Posted by at 3:19 am  2 Responses »
Apr 232010
 

There’s just no two ways about it – Death Warrant is fucking bizarre.

Here’s the deal – JCVD is a Canadian cop. He hunts down some crazy dude that I guess killed some people (it’s never really explained) nicknamed The Sandman (also never explained). JCVD shoots him a bunch of times in the chest but it doesn’t kill him for some reason and I guess he’s arrested (he looked pretty dead but he shows up later quite alive so whatever).

Okay, jump ahead an oddly specific 16 months. A bunch of inmates are turning up dead in prison, so the governor of California (I think?) decides to hire JCVD to go undercover as an inmate and get the scoop. Some stuck up lady is his liaison posing as his wife. Their shitty attitudes towards each other assure us that they will never bone, so later when they do bone, it’s a surprise.

So JCVD goes undercover to a prison where there are four guards, the cell doors never close, everyone has knives and guns, and the general atmosphere is pretty much that of the Mos Eisley Cantina.

So after doing karate to a lot of people and things, JCVD finds out who’s been killing inmates and why. Unfortunately, as soon as he does, The Sandman shows up and tells everyone he’s a cop so everyone tries to kill him and A LOT of karate happens. Then JCVD wins and escapes and does some big time make-outs with the girl he didn’t like.

The whole thing really plays out like a super fucked up kid making up a story. Shit just kind of happens and everything is inexplicably surreal. Considering the myriad of completely badass movies in the JCVD catalogue, there’s really no reason you need to watch this. Unless you’re going as a Bajoran for Halloween and you want to use utter confusion to help you practice wrinkling up your nose. (Star Wars and DS9 references in the same review? AND during JCVD week? That’s fucked up!)

I give Death Warrant 2 jugs of toilet wine out of a possible 10 jugs of toilet wine.

Double Impact

 Posted by at 11:02 pm  Comments Off on Double Impact
Apr 222010
 

Listen, I know CineMEH can seem pretty dude-centric at times. What with all the talk of boobs and gore and boners and explosions and such, there must be a significant percentage of the fairer sex that feels not particularly catered to, nay, downright excluded…especially in the throes of JCVD Appreciation Week.

Well, it should be known that we here at CineMEH are anything but misogynists. In fact, I’m ovulating right now and I couldn’t be happier about it. So as a gesture of good will towards our wombed readers, I present  my review of Double Impact tailored especially for you.

I give Double Impact 10 out of 10 minutes with my shower head…AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?!

Street Fighter

 Posted by at 11:10 pm  Comments Off on Street Fighter
Apr 202010
 

So you have 35 million dollars and you want to make a movie based on a video game, huh? Sweet. That’s a really good idea.

But with so many video games out there, which one do you choose? Well, if it’s 1994, which it is in this scenario, you’d be a total dumbass not to choose the most popular game on planet fucking Earth: Street Fighter II.

There is, however, one problem with basing a movie on Street Fighter II – Aside from some character bios in the instruction manual and 30 seconds of story when you beat the game, there is no real plot to speak of. It’s just Dragon Punches and Hadoukens and getting mad at your buddies for cornering you like a bitch with E. Honda’s Body Splash even though they promised not to.

So how do you turn frustrated button-mashing into an enjoyable film experience?

Well, you could use the actual story from the Japanese game or even the arcade version. Or I suppose you could just indiscriminately smush all the game’s characters together and have them run around like assholes for an hour and a half. If you really wanted to be a dick, you could just say fuck the whole “street fighting” angle and give them all guns.

Holy shit, that’s what you did? Man, that is gonna fucking SUCK. How are you gonna get people to watch that garbage?

Oh, I see. Well played.

Street Fighter is proof positive of the true power of JCVD. By merely existing, he manages to make an unwatchable pile of shit somewhat watchable, but not in his usual fashion. It doesn’t open with him doing a flying kick off a building onto a guy’s mouth or something. In fact, he doesn’t even karate anything until like an hour and fifteen minutes into the movie, but every scene up until he does is still super intense because you know he could totally lose it and do karate at any second. He’s like a fucking coiled viper.

But JCVD doesn’t rely on this potential energy to carry his weight. The man does not rest on his laurels. No, he took shit into his own hands. In my head, his first day on set went like this:

JCVD: “Hi everybody. Now, I know this Guile character I’m playing is supposed to be some sort of pissed-off ex-Air Force guy hellbent on avenging the death of his friend, but that sounds pretty gay. From now on, he’s a handsome back-sassing loose-cannon Army Colonel who plays by his own rules in both combat and love. Cool? Cool. I’ll be in my trailer fucking whoever or whatever I want. Come get me when you need me to be awesome. Don’t bother knocking…I’m not ashamed of what I do in there.”

As a result of this assumed executive decision by a man who knows what he wants, Jean-Claude spends the majority of the movie snubbing authority and cracking wise with boyish charm rather than Flash-Kicking Russian bear-wrestlers and beating up 4-door sedans for bonus points. These quips, delivered as only JCVD could, are priceless and pure genius. I was so taken by one particular scene in which Guile is calling out M. Bison that I remixed it into a song you can bone to. (It’s only 44 seconds long, though, so you better hold your breath and concentrate really hard if you wanna finish by the end.)

JCVD #1 Summer Jam

Fun Fact: Emmy-winning actor Raul Julia played the role of evil dictator M. Bison, who is killed by JCVD in the end of the film. Mere months later, Julia died in real life – proving once and for all that if JCVD kills you…even in a movie…you stay dead.

While I may only give Street Fighter 1 out of 10 jab Yoga Fires, I give JCVD’s performance 10 out of 10 fierce Yoga Flames.

Replicant

 Posted by at 8:46 pm  Comments Off on Replicant
Apr 192010
 

Jean-Claude Van Damme can’t be expected to contain his awesome martial arts talents to just one character at a time, that’s why he’s played duel roles in not one, but two movies. In 1991, JCVD broke cinematic boundaries in “Double Impact,” playing both Alex and Chad Wagner, two brothers who were separated at birth, but reunite to kick faces and break bones. Now I know you’re thinking that nothing could possibly top two Van Dammes delivering devastating body blows side by side, but what if I told you that you could see JCVD fight himself? When you watch “Replicant,” my friends that’s exactly what you’ll get.

Replicant’s first scene features an evil JCVD kicking a woman to death. If kicking women until they’re dead doesn’t convince you that this dude is evil, his long, greasy hair should do the trick. Long haired JCVD is Edward “The Torch” Garrotte, a serial killer whose modus operandi is seeking out young mothers and burning them to a crisp. Garrotte’s been at this serial killer business for a long time, and all the while hardboiled cop, Jake Riley (Michael Rooker) has been hot on his trail. In an act of desperation the government decides to clone The Torch. Knowing that the clone would inherit all of the memories of the original, the government plans to use the replicant as a human hound dog, sniffing out all of Garrottes old haunts, and hopefully leading the feds to the maniacal killer.

Incredibly, the government decides to team up Replicant with Jake Riley, the man who above all things despises Edward Garrotte and by extension Replicant. At this point, the movie turns into an action packed version of “Rain Man,” with Rooker playing the role of Tom Cruise, and JCVD playing the role of mentally challenged killing machine. Although Replicant was able to retain some of Garrottes memories, he couldn’t remember anything else (like how to talk). Riley is forced to lead Replicant around by a leash, barking commands like “down” and “stay” as though he were a dog. At first I thought this premise was ridiculous (and I suppose it is) but about halfway through the movie I was completely invested with JCVDs dim-witted doppelgänger. I couldn’t help but feel bad for this clone, who never asked to be created and only wants to be hugged. By the time JCVD and Michael Rooker are walking through the park, ice cream cones in hand, I couldn’t have been happier.

But Replicant isn’t just a movie about a dumb but lovable clone, it’s a movie about a serial killer. While at first the action is sparse, if you wait patiently you will not be disappointed. By the second half of the movie good and evil Van Damme lock eyes and the action is set in motion. I’m not going to ruin the action, but believe me, it’s there. In the pool hall, it’s there. In the hospital, it’s there. And in the hotel with the knife wielding pimps, it’s there. Throw in a JCVD showdown, and Replicant is top-notch.

If you’re a fan of Jean-Claude Van Damme, you will not be disappointed with Replicant, and if you’re not a fan, well, I question your worth as a human being. Watch this movie and be somebody.

I give Replicant: 4 out of 5 roundhouse kicks to the heart

Good Time Max

 Posted by at 3:52 pm  Comments Off on Good Time Max
Apr 102010
 

James Franco, I want to like you, I don’t know why, but I do. You were alright as Daniel Desario on “Freaks and Geeks.” You were no Bill Haverchuck, but you held your own. I couldn’t of cared less for your role in “Spiderman,” but you really pulled your shit together and knocked one out of the park as the lovably dopey stoner, Saul Silver, in “Pineapple Express.” Even though you haven’t dazzled me, for some reason I’ve been keeping my fingers crossed. But after watching “Good Time Max,” the movie that you co-wrote and directed, I’m throwing in the towel.

“Good Time Max” is a movie about two brothers. Older brother Adam works really hard in school and gets good grades, while younger brother Max prefers to smoke cigarettes and dance on rooftops… and still gets good grades. Alright, skip ahead about 20 years. Max is hard at work dealing drugs until he pisses of the wrong huge black dude by selling him a bogus kilo of cocaine (and also sleeping with his girlfriend). After Max becomes an accessory to murder, he hightails it to California, hitching a ride with his brother Adam who is bound for med school. It doesn’t take a genius to see where this movie’s going. There’s a lot of built up resentment on the part of Adam, because all of his life he’s had to bail out his dickhead brother, and there’s just as much resentment on the part of Max, who just wants to be loved. The two fight inner demons, fight with each other, and eventually learn a thing or two about life and the importance of brotherhood.

If i didn’t know any better, I would have assumed the part of Max was written by a nine-year old. Max is handsome, liked by everybody, and is always the life of the party, but to top it all off he’s also a certified genius. Franco really drives this point home too as he solves moderately difficult math equations (like 36 times 24), lands himself a cushy job writing computer code, and constantly states, “I am a genius.” This would all be fine if it ever went anywhere, but it doesn’t. The genius aspect is completely irrelevant, and though we’re all supposed to connect or relate with Max, I couldn’t feel anything but contempt and annoyance with him, from beginning to end. I think James Franco tried his best, but like swimming against a rip tide, the harder he tried, the worse the situation got.

The cover of “Good Time Max” shows that it was an official selection at the Tribeca, Hollywood, Vancouver, and Austin film festivals, as if having those emblems on the cover will convince you that it is worth watching. I honestly feel that James Franco made this movie in an attempt to grasp hold of some lost indie credit that he never had in the first place. It’s like he pulled a indie movie all-nighter and woke up the next morning thinking to himself, “I could do that.” But he wasn’t going to undertake this challenge alone, so he called up indie darling Merriwether Williams (of Nickelodeon’s Spongebob Squarepants and Camp Lazlo fame) to crank out an indie film to end all indie films. It’s not surprising that Merriwether’s only writing experience has been in cartoons, because “Good Time Max” ends up feeling like one big, long, boring live action cartoon.

Don’t waste your time with “Good Time Max.”

I give Good Time Max: an F+ (way to go, genius)

Apr 072010
 

Everyone knows the MPAA is total bullshit. In fact, for many of us growing up – constantly being denied entrance to “R” rated movies – their judgments probably resulted in our first real anger and incredulity towards a faceless governing body. (Not me though…I popped out of the womb like “What do you mean the US dollar isn’t based on the gold standard?! It has only the imaginary value that we as a society place on it?! YOUR PRECIOUS HOUSE OF CARDS WILL SOON FALL, DOCTOR. Now cut this cord. I’m late for work.”) However, very few of us ever considered that the MPAA may be more than just an inane, antiquated organization doling out arbitrary decrees of what is and what isn’t acceptable for “children” to view. That it may actually be an indestructible unchecked strong-arming church-funded pro-war anti-gay juggernaut shrouded in secrecy. Wait…for real? Well, according to many, yeah…pretty much.

Kirby Dick is more than just an awesome name. Kirby Dick is a man. Not just any man, but an industry veteran that, in the last 28 years, has directed over 11 films (that’s code for 12 films). And guess what? He’s pissed. So he set out to make a documentary exposing the secret agenda and dubious authority of the MPAA knowing full well that before his film could be released, it would have to be reviewed by the very people he spent the entire film tearing apart. That’s like making a movie called “Castro Eats A Turd” and sending it to Castro for approval. Not exactly a smart move, but the result would probably make a better movie than the one sent in. Which is what Kirby did.

The first half of the documentary features the likes of Kimberly Peirce, Kevin Smith, Matt Stone, and everyone’s hero John Waters talking about their bizarre experiences with the MPAA, calling into question the unknown standards by which their movies were judged. After a solid hour of a Michael Moore-esque defaming and actually hiring a private investigator to discover the secret identities of the anonymous film raters, Kirby Dick takes a cut of the film we’ve seen so far and submits it for rating. The last half hour is then Kirby arguing with the MPAA over the movie that you’re watching while you’re watching it (which sounds more mind-blowing than it plays out).

Overall, Kirby Dick does a pretty great job of getting your blood boiling, which is my main problem with This Film Is Not Yet Rated. In most documentaries dealing with some form of social injustice, there is a greater purpose – to get you to take action. Whether you end up considering going vegetarian, voting democrat, signing petitions, or putting a hold on your patronage of black market baby-selling syndicates, you do so because a film has made you aware of a problem and what you can do to help fix it. Not so with This Film Is Not Yet Rated. The movie basically says to you “Hey dude, check this out. Isn’t this completely fucked up? Yeah, it totally shouldn’t be like this, huh? Okay, well, see ya later.”

So, not only do we learn that we’re powerless to change the system, but to release this film as intended, it couldn’t be rated by the MPAA and therefore couldn’t be shown in the majority of theaters and therefore couldn’t reach its maximum audience and make its point which is the entire purpose of a documentary. So in the end, the MPAA won. That’s a fucking bummer. I guess the only thing to do now is watch this movie because it’s pretty awesome, tell a friend, and soon we can all be pointlessly angry together. Huzzah.

I give This Film Is Not Yet Rated 9 salty dicks in Jack Valenti’s dead-ass mouth out of a possible 10 salty dicks in Jack Valenti’s dead-ass mouth.

Special

 Posted by at 11:55 pm  Comments Off on Special
Apr 032010
 

Man, Michael Rapaport is awesome. Remember his role as Dick Ritchie in “True Romance,” or his part as Murray “Superboy” Babitch in “Copland?” Classics! So why has this man been resigned to playing bit roles and doing voiceovers for video games? Wait a minute, what’s this? Michael Rapaport has a starring role in a movie called “Special” and it was released in 2006? How the hell did this one slip past my radar? Thanks for picking up the slack, Netflix. This is why I pay you 16 bucks a month.

In the movie “Special” Michael Rapaport plays Les, a lonely peon parking attendant in some nondescript city. When he’s not busy writing tickets, he’s busy reading comic books and day dreaming about how sweet it would be to have the power of flight (pretty fucking sweet). Les isn’t totally miserable, but not completely content, so he decides to add a little pizzaz to his humdrum life by volunteering as a guinea pig for a new antidepressant called Special. So Les starts popping these little blue pills and before long he is levitating in his living room, reading the minds of people on the street, and teleporting through walls. During his weekly checkup, he demonstrates his newly acquired powers to his doctor (played by Jack Kehler) by jumping off a desk and hovering inches above the floor. But it turns out Les isn’t really hovering, or reading minds, or teleporting. The drug he’s been taking has shut down the area of his brain which regulates self doubt. Absolutely delusional and without inhibition, Les puts on a homemade costume and starts patrolling the streets as a superhero. Oh yeah, and that kid from “The Wackness” works in the comic book store, but in this movie he’s a lot younger and a lot fatter.

Homemade SuperheroDon’t be fooled by the blurb on the cover of Special that reads, “Laugh-out loud funny,” this movie isn’t a comedy. But it is sort of billed as a comedy. Why does this happen? Remember that movie called “The Ice Harvest?” Every single advertisement I saw for this movie had me believing I was going to see some slapstick buddy heist movie. Did you see that trailer? Oliver Platt got kicked square in the dick. But no, that movie wasn’t funny. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t really funny either. The same thing happened with “Burn After Reading” and more recently, “A Serious Man.” Both of those movies were pretty good, but just because they didn’t pour on the humor, critics shit all over ’em. What is going on in Hollywood? If I had to guess, I think it’s something like this:

    PR guy A: We’ve got this new movie called “The Ice Harvest” starring John Cusack and Billy Bob Thornton.
    PR guy B: Sounds pretty funny.
    PR guy A: It’s not.
    PR guy B: Let’s pull one over on the hardworking American public and make them think it’s a funny movie.
    PR guy A: But won’t they all be pissed once they find out that it isn’t funny?
    PR guy B: Who the fuck cares? By the time they wise up, we’ll already have their money (maniacal laugh).

So Special has it’s funny moments, but by and large it’s a drama (Netflix categorizes it as a Sci-fi drama). It definitely managed to keep my attention but it seems like all of the critics just wanted bigger laughs. I read a review that mentioned all of the missed opportunities for humor in this movie which is sort of sick, because when Special starts building momentum it turns into a story about a mentally disturbed man trying to fight crime. Besides, Hollywood already made a comedy about a mentally disturbed superhero. It was called “Blankman” and it co-starred George Costanza in a wheelchair (now that’s entertainment). This was writer/director Hal Haberman’s and Jeremey Passamore’s first and only movie and I think they managed to pull off something special (no pun intended). Going to their IMDB page and seeing that they haven’t directed anything since, I feel like they were defeated by a bunch of hypercritical assholes. Don’t be an asshole, check out Special.

I give Special: 8 out of 10 improperly tested pills

News Flash! – A Brief Guide To The Masters of Horror Collection / Tweet Tweet, Fuckface!

 Posted by at 3:09 am  Comments Off on News Flash! – A Brief Guide To The Masters of Horror Collection / Tweet Tweet, Fuckface!
Apr 032010
 

Do you do the tweets? Cuz we do the tweets now! If you don’t tweet, you should start tweeting just to read our tweets and re-tweet our tweets! Tweet on, tweeters.

Wow, that’s enough of that. Let’s get down to business…

So I’ve had the entire Masters of Horror Collection sitting  in my Netflix “Watch Instantly” queue for months now. They just sat there looking awesome, but ultimately going unwatched. Mid-March, as I was speeding past them as usual, I noticed some red letters next to the titles: “Available until April 1st”.

I crapped myself a little bit. I had taken their accessibility for granted and now they were going to be taken away from me FOREVER. Sure, Netflix still has them all on DVD but who wants to wait 2 days to get a disc in the mail with one 55 minute episode on it? The only other option is to buy them which ain’t happening. Each season is like 80 bucks for chrissakes. What am I, made of money? And if I am, HOW AM I ALIVE?

So anyway, I started watching them every chance I got, determined to get the most out of my monthly Netflix fee. At 11:58pm on March 31st, I finished Lucky McKee’s “Sick Girl” and let out a sigh of relief. I had done it. I had watched every single film that looked appealing with only 2 minutes to spare. As I highlighted “Remove from Instant Queue” , I noticed the red letters had changed: “Available Until April 30th”.

For fuck’s sake, man. This is all playing out like that Simpsons episode “Bart Gets An F” (where Bart is gonna have to repeat fourth grade unless he passes a history test for which he’s not prepared and then Springfield gets hit with a massive blizzard and so he gets an extra day to study). I’ve been granted a whole extra month to watch these movies, so now I feel like I should watch them all, even the “erotic thrillers”. Gugh.

So what does all this mean? Shut up and let me tell you. It means that you also now have a whole month to watch these films at your leisure. But mostly, it means that I, in an admirable act of stunning altruism, have watched an estimated 500,000 episodes of the Masters of Horror Collection just so I can relay to you which ones are worth watching. Goddamn I’m awesome. Here we go.

Dario Argento’s “Jenifer”

Sweet Jesus this is some fucked up noise. After a detective rescues a hideously deformed mute wild woman who lives for blood and boning, he starts destroying his life to spend more time boning her. Insane and uncomfortable. Watch it.

Takashi Miike’s “Imprint”

If you’ve ever seen a Takashi Miike film before (Audition, Gozu, Ichi The Killer, etc.) you pretty much know what to expect. It’s gonna be weird and boring and not make much sense for a while, and then you’re gonna see a bunch of shit that will make you want to claw your eyes out. Imprint is no different. Just watch it.

John Carpenter’s “Cigarette Burns”

A young dude that owns a crappy theatre gets hired by an eccentric millionaire film collector to procure the most infamous film of all time: “La Fin Absolue Du Monde” (The Absolute End Of The World) a movie that, at its first and only showing, caused the entire audience to kill each other/themselves. It kind of lags at points, but is overall pretty rad. Watch it.

John Carpenter’s “Pro-Life”

Again, Carpenter kinda phones this one in at points…but it’s got Ron Pearlman and a crazy-ass demon baby. What more do you want? Watch it.

John Landis’ “Family”

Shit yeah, man. This is what it’s all about. George Wendt (Norm from Cheers) is a crazy-ass dude that kills people, boils their skin off, dresses up their bones, and pretends they’re his family. A young couple moves into the neighborhood and it’s fuckin Go Time. All things considered, this is probably the best movie in the whole collection. If you’re some kind of dickwad and you only watch one, watch this one.

Lucky McKee’s “Sick Girl”

Dude, this shit is amazing. I will make each of the girls in this movie my wife. When a slightly crazy lesbian entomologist meets a slightly crazy lesbian non-entomologist, love is in the air. Until the non-entomologist girl gets bit by a crazy-ass bug and shit goes nuts. Watch this one now.

Joe Dante’s “The Screwfly Solution”

Some bummer virus hits the world and infects dudes causing their bodies to interpret lust as murderous rage. So basically, every time a dude gets a boner, he kills someone (which is the opposite of angels getting their wings). Watch it.

Stuart Gordon’s “Dreams In The Witch House”

A decent adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s story by the same name. Do you like rats with human faces? Then watch it. Or read the story. Meh, do both.

Dario Argento’s “Pelts”

This is a movie about magical raccoons that make you kill yourself. It stars Meat Loaf. If you don’t watch this movie, you are a fucking asshole.

Rob Schmidt’s “Right To Die”

Absolutely beautiful. A dude and his wife get into a car wreck…he’s fine but his wife is on life support. She keeps dying for a minute or two and every time she does, she shows up as a pissed off ghost, totally cramping her cheating husband’s style. Subtly hilarious and well made all-around. Watch it.

William Malone’s “Fair Haired Child”

A young girl gets kidnapped by a weird artsy couple and locked in a basement. There, she meets and befriends a young dude who’s been there a while and together they learn that things are perhaps not as they seem. (I don’t know how to denote that the end of that sentence is supposed to be read in a spooky ghost voice. Italics looked weird. Oh well.) I am not ashamed to say that there is a scene in this movie that actually made me scream and shake my hands like a girl. I don’t know how the fuck they did it, but I haven’t been that scared since the first time I saw The Exorcist.

So there you go, fuckers.

That’s more than enough awesomeness to keep you busy while I watch the remaining episodes to let you know if any of those are worth the time. Man, I’m selfless. A hero, some might say.

Enjoy.

Transmorphers

 Posted by at 7:15 pm  Comments Off on Transmorphers
Apr 012010
 

At what point does a movie transform (or rather “transmorph”) from your run-of-the-mill awful movie to a absurdly surreal accidental masterpiece? I have no idea, but Transmorphers rocketed past that point and became one of my new favorite movies.

Don’t get confused. Transmorphers is not a parody film. In fact, it seems to have absolutely no sense of humor about itself whatsoever. It’s as if writer/director Leigh Scott woke up one day, sat down in front of his computer, opened his cracked copy of Final Draft Pro, took a swig of Jim Beam, popped his knuckles, and said “This is going to be awesome“. The resulting script is so bad – I mean…just unbelievably intensely bad – that it becomes art. Like when a mentally retarded inner-city youth makes a finger-painting of JFK on some old driftwood and it sells at auction for $40K. And why are art collectors willing to pay that? Because they’re a bunch of fucking jagoffs that deserve to have their eyes raped out by a scabby drifter’s mangy dog cuz they obviously don’t know how to use those eyes correctly anyway, but I digress. What I meant to say is, how does something like this script just blow past “bad” and end up being kind of amazing?

Because it’s completely earnest. There’s no indication that this was some throwaway script quickly turned into a movie to capitalize off the release of Transformers. It was Mr. Scott’s vision brought to life. He honestly put countless hours into writing and rewriting…building intricate back-stories for every character…establishing a timeline of future events…it was the very best he could do and it is absolutely horrible. At some point someone must have said to him, “Jeez, Leigh…you know, this script really isn’t very good” to which he responded “FUCK YOU, JERK”. Then, with the cocksure resolve of a conductor piloting a train down the track the wrong way – truly believing in his heart of hearts that the oncoming train will swerve – Leigh Scott somehow got $250,000 and made his movie.

Let’s see if I can possibly reduce the plot of this tour de force to one short paragraph. Wish me luck.

In 2014 a bunch of robot aliens landed on Earth, killed 90% of humanity, and did something to block out the sun. Some people moved underground and started a military that doesn’t do anything. 300 years later, someone gets a wild hair up their ass to fight the robot aliens. Everyone talks about it for a really long time and a bunch of lesbians fight and say hurtful things to each other. Eventually they send an android that didn’t know he was an android (but kind of always knew he was an android) to some tower that I guess also is a robot alien (in tower form). The android guy does something in the tower that makes all the robot aliens die or go away. Then all the clouds that the robot aliens put in the sky disappear and everyone is happy.

For 85 jaw-dropping minutes, this story plays out like a Cinemax late-night softcore porno with all the “sex” scenes cut out. The already cringe-inducing melodramatically written dialogue spills out of the actors’ mouths with such bizarre inflection yet absolute certainty that it feels less like a movie and more like a kindergarten class staging a performance of Terminator: Salvation – everyone knows what they’re supposed to say and do but none of them have any idea what it means. Because of this, the film becomes strangely endearing. You end up being proud of the actors when they get through a line correctly without looking at the camera or respond to another character with somewhat appropriate tonality.

Have you ever seen a three-legged dog try to hump something? At first, it’s hilarious. Then, as he struggles to keep his balance but keeps on falling, it gets kind of sad. But when he just won’t give up no matter how many times he falls on his face, it comes back around to being hilarious again. Transmorphers is that three-legged dog and you absolutely need to watch it. Have some buddies over, get some pizza and beer or whatever, and get ready for a pièce de résistance of mind-blowing failure that will change your life…or at the very least change your night.

I give Transmorphers 10 out of 10 unnecessary lesbian fistfights.