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Wow, that’s enough of that. Let’s get down to business…
So I’ve had the entire Masters of Horror Collection sitting in my Netflix “Watch Instantly” queue for months now. They just sat there looking awesome, but ultimately going unwatched. Mid-March, as I was speeding past them as usual, I noticed some red letters next to the titles: “Available until April 1st”.
I crapped myself a little bit. I had taken their accessibility for granted and now they were going to be taken away from me FOREVER. Sure, Netflix still has them all on DVD but who wants to wait 2 days to get a disc in the mail with one 55 minute episode on it? The only other option is to buy them which ain’t happening. Each season is like 80 bucks for chrissakes. What am I, made of money? And if I am, HOW AM I ALIVE?
So anyway, I started watching them every chance I got, determined to get the most out of my monthly Netflix fee. At 11:58pm on March 31st, I finished Lucky McKee’s “Sick Girl” and let out a sigh of relief. I had done it. I had watched every single film that looked appealing with only 2 minutes to spare. As I highlighted “Remove from Instant Queue” , I noticed the red letters had changed: “Available Until April 30th”.
For fuck’s sake, man. This is all playing out like that Simpsons episode “Bart Gets An F” (where Bart is gonna have to repeat fourth grade unless he passes a history test for which he’s not prepared and then Springfield gets hit with a massive blizzard and so he gets an extra day to study). I’ve been granted a whole extra month to watch these movies, so now I feel like I should watch them all, even the “erotic thrillers”. Gugh.
So what does all this mean? Shut up and let me tell you. It means that you also now have a whole month to watch these films at your leisure. But mostly, it means that I, in an admirable act of stunning altruism, have watched an estimated 500,000 episodes of the Masters of Horror Collection just so I can relay to you which ones are worth watching. Goddamn I’m awesome. Here we go.
Dario Argento’s “Jenifer”
Sweet Jesus this is some fucked up noise. After a detective rescues a hideously deformed mute wild woman who lives for blood and boning, he starts destroying his life to spend more time boning her. Insane and uncomfortable. Watch it.
Takashi Miike’s “Imprint”
If you’ve ever seen a Takashi Miike film before (Audition, Gozu, Ichi The Killer, etc.) you pretty much know what to expect. It’s gonna be weird and boring and not make much sense for a while, and then you’re gonna see a bunch of shit that will make you want to claw your eyes out. Imprint is no different. Just watch it.
John Carpenter’s “Cigarette Burns”
A young dude that owns a crappy theatre gets hired by an eccentric millionaire film collector to procure the most infamous film of all time: “La Fin Absolue Du Monde” (The Absolute End Of The World) a movie that, at its first and only showing, caused the entire audience to kill each other/themselves. It kind of lags at points, but is overall pretty rad. Watch it.
John Carpenter’s “Pro-Life”
Again, Carpenter kinda phones this one in at points…but it’s got Ron Pearlman and a crazy-ass demon baby. What more do you want? Watch it.
John Landis’ “Family”
Shit yeah, man. This is what it’s all about. George Wendt (Norm from Cheers) is a crazy-ass dude that kills people, boils their skin off, dresses up their bones, and pretends they’re his family. A young couple moves into the neighborhood and it’s fuckin Go Time. All things considered, this is probably the best movie in the whole collection. If you’re some kind of dickwad and you only watch one, watch this one.
Lucky McKee’s “Sick Girl”
Dude, this shit is amazing. I will make each of the girls in this movie my wife. When a slightly crazy lesbian entomologist meets a slightly crazy lesbian non-entomologist, love is in the air. Until the non-entomologist girl gets bit by a crazy-ass bug and shit goes nuts. Watch this one now.
Joe Dante’s “The Screwfly Solution”
Some bummer virus hits the world and infects dudes causing their bodies to interpret lust as murderous rage. So basically, every time a dude gets a boner, he kills someone (which is the opposite of angels getting their wings). Watch it.
Stuart Gordon’s “Dreams In The Witch House”
A decent adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s story by the same name. Do you like rats with human faces? Then watch it. Or read the story. Meh, do both.
Dario Argento’s “Pelts”
This is a movie about magical raccoons that make you kill yourself. It stars Meat Loaf. If you don’t watch this movie, you are a fucking asshole.
Rob Schmidt’s “Right To Die”
Absolutely beautiful. A dude and his wife get into a car wreck…he’s fine but his wife is on life support. She keeps dying for a minute or two and every time she does, she shows up as a pissed off ghost, totally cramping her cheating husband’s style. Subtly hilarious and well made all-around. Watch it.
William Malone’s “Fair Haired Child”
A young girl gets kidnapped by a weird artsy couple and locked in a basement. There, she meets and befriends a young dude who’s been there a while and together they learn that things are perhaps not as they seem. (I don’t know how to denote that the end of that sentence is supposed to be read in a spooky ghost voice. Italics looked weird. Oh well.) I am not ashamed to say that there is a scene in this movie that actually made me scream and shake my hands like a girl. I don’t know how the fuck they did it, but I haven’t been that scared since the first time I saw The Exorcist.
So there you go, fuckers.
That’s more than enough awesomeness to keep you busy while I watch the remaining episodes to let you know if any of those are worth the time. Man, I’m selfless. A hero, some might say.