The Cove

 Posted by at 3:36 am  3 Responses »
Jan 092011
 
The Cove

Tl;dr – The Cove is “Bowling for Columbine” for dolphins. Okay, here we go. Every couple of years, a documentary comes around that is touted as “important” – a word that in the film industry is code for “soul-crushing”. In 2009, that movie was The Cove. To no one’s surprise, it won the Oscar for Continue reading…

Knucklehead

 Posted by at 5:39 am  1 Response »
Jan 072011
 
Knucklehead

Not since Santa With Muscles have I been so excited for a WWE superstar to grace the silver screen. When director Michael W. Watkins (who I’m sure you know from the 6 episodes of Quantum Leap he directed) signed onto this project, he was faced with a tall order: Somehow manage to wrangle the effervescent Continue reading…

Outsourced

 Posted by at 7:06 am  Comments Off on Outsourced
Sep 242010
 
Outsourced

Did everyone have a happy equinox? I know I sure did…and if the 50 drained pig carcasses on my back yard altar are any indication, I’m gonna have one bountiful-ass harvest. (Much different from a bountiful ass-harvest. Hyphens are powerful things.) Anyway, enough about the alignment so nice it happens twice…we all know the real Continue reading…

Teeth

 Posted by at 1:21 am  2 Responses »
Jun 282010
 
Teeth

Looking at the movie poster for “Teeth” with its artful use of negative space and understated Sundance Special Jury Prize, you may get the impression that someone “finally got it right”. But don’t be fooled – “Teeth” is just another cookie-cutter, film-by-numbers, money-making juggernaut in the tired and worn “Girls With Teeth In Their Vaginas” Continue reading…

2012: Doomsday

 Posted by at 8:47 pm  9 Responses »
May 062010
 
2012: Doomsday

Words cannot accurately describe the way I feel after watching “2012: Doomsday” but it’s something along the lines of lividity and total bafflement. This is Evangelical Christian propaganda, plain and simple. The movies tagline reads, “An ancient prophecy foretold. A scientific discovery revealed” but, in my opinion, should instead read, “In the face of insurmountable Continue reading…

Cube

 Posted by at 6:35 pm  Comments Off on Cube
Apr 282010
 
Cube

For years now, people have been trying to get me to watch this film. I honestly have no idea why I’ve been so hesitant – it may have something to do with the fact that a cube killed my family and that I’m allergic to movies, but I’m probably reading into it too much. The Continue reading…

JCVD

 Posted by at 8:44 pm  Comments Off on JCVD
Apr 262010
 
JCVD

“JCVD” is not the typical high action, low budget, straight-to-DVD, movie we’ve all come to expect from Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, with the exception of one of the greatest credit sequences in movie history, JCVD doesn’t deliver much in the karate department. But what the movie lacks in martial arts, it more than makes Continue reading…

Bloodsport

 Posted by at 2:13 pm  Comments Off on Bloodsport
Apr 252010
 
Bloodsport

When we began JCVD Appreciation Week, we decided to focus on the less popular titles under the assumption that everyone has seen the classics. You would think that somewhere along the line, most people would have stumbled into Bloodsport half way through on daytime TNT or walked into their creepy uncle’s house while he was Continue reading…

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

 Posted by at 8:58 pm  Comments Off on Universal Soldier: Regeneration
Apr 242010
 
Universal Soldier: Regeneration

For the few of you who are unfamiliar with the “Universal Soldier” franchise (shame on you) let me bring you up to speed. So the story goes two badass soldiers die in Vietnam, and the US military (in their infinite wisdom) decides to use the dead bodies to create an army of unstoppable (though brain-dead) Continue reading…

Death Warrant

 Posted by at 3:19 am  2 Responses »
Apr 232010
 
Death Warrant

There’s just no two ways about it – Death Warrant is fucking bizarre. Here’s the deal – JCVD is a Canadian cop. He hunts down some crazy dude that I guess killed some people (it’s never really explained) nicknamed The Sandman (also never explained). JCVD shoots him a bunch of times in the chest but Continue reading…