Words cannot accurately describe the way I feel after watching “2012: Doomsday” but it’s something along the lines of lividity and total bafflement. This is Evangelical Christian propaganda, plain and simple. The movies tagline reads, “An ancient prophecy foretold. A scientific discovery revealed” but, in my opinion, should instead read, “In the face of insurmountable scientific evidence, we have co-opted the Mayan calender to legitimize our crackpot religious theories.” There are no scientific discoveries in this movie. In fact, “2012: Doomsday” kicks science square in the baby maker and laughs, as poor science is left to cry for its dignity.
This is an actually scene which takes place within the first ten minutes of the movie. It perfectly sums up the movie, and the entire 2012 argument:
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Science Guy A: “We believe the earths rotation is slowing, due to the solar systems alignment with the black hole at the center of the galaxy.”
Science Guy B: “That’s impossible. NASA has known about these alignments for decades. We’ve run the calculations and there’s no way the gravitational force can significantly impact this planet.”
Science Guy A: “(scratches head) I don’t know what’s causing it, of all our calculations, this is the only one that makes sense.”
In other words, it doesn’t matter what those hoity-toity snobs at NASA think, the only thing that could possibly explain an end of the world catastrophe is this insane cosmic alignment theory. Science be damned. As it turns out, Neil deGrasse Tyson says that on December 21, 2012 the center of the galaxy, the Sun and the Earth will align. Maybe there is some truth to this whole 2012 business… or maybe not. Tyson also explains that the center of the galaxy, the Sun and the Earth perfectly align every year on December 21. As for the science involved with the Earth slowing to a stop within the span of 48 hours, if the Earth slowed to a stop, we wouldn’t need to worry about earthquakes and tidal waves killing us all, because we would all be CATAPULTED INTO SPACE!
All of the scientific fallacies aside, the movie also rewrites history by audaciously claiming the ancient Mayans were actually practicing Christians. This is revealed when some archeologist discovers a crucifix within a Mayan ruin that dates back to 200 A.D. I think this is supposed to comfort Evangelicals who were a bit hesitant about buying into the theories of a heathen culture.
It might seem as though I am unfairly putting “2012: Doomsday” under the microscope. Sure, movies don’t always need to make sense. Sometimes you just have to ignore the inane and try to pull as much enjoyment from a shitty movie as possible, but “2012: Doomsday” isn’t simply a mindless action flick. Faith Films (the company that produced this movie) clearly states, “Faith Films is a new production and distribution company dedicated to creating exciting films that HONESTLY portray subjects, themes, and people of faith.” There is nothing honest about this movie. And I doubt any of their other films, such as “Apocalypse,” “Countdown: Jerusalem” and the upcoming “Meteor Apocalypse” (sequel to “Apocalypse?”) contain much honesty either. This is propaganda, and terrible propaganda to boot.
If you want to watch a mindless action movie about the end of the world in 2012, just watch the movie “2012.” Sure, it’s just as bad, but at least it will spare you all of the religious sentiment, plus you finally get to see Danny Glover as the President of the United States (the role he was born to play).
I give 2012: Doomsday: Time out with the dunce cap (Remember the dunce cap? The pointy hat that teachers used to make stupid kids wear. Those were mean times).
(P.S. I do not want to give the impression that I consider all Christians to be dunces, only the insane ones which pray for the end of the world.)
“JCVD” is not the typical high action, low budget, straight-to-DVD, movie we’ve all come to expect from Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, with the exception of one of the greatest credit sequences in movie history, JCVD doesn’t deliver much in the karate department. But what the movie lacks in martial arts, it more than makes up for in cinematic arts. This isn’t an action flick, it’s a moving and intimate portrayal of an actor turned industry joke. During Van Damme’s 25 year career in Hollywood, he has been consistently typecast, labeled a one-trick pony and found himself at the center of drug and relationship scandals. Jean-Claude Van Damme could have easily rectified his problems with karate chops, but in JCVD he faces all of the criticisms without resorting to violence, and in the process displays more vulnerability and humanity than any other actor in Hollywood to date.
I know that this all seems like the perfect formula for action but as it turns out, it’s actually the perfect formula for exposing the human flaws within Jean-Claude Van Damme. Between the scenes inside and outside the bank, there are vignettes which reflect JCVD’s deteriorating situation. These scenes expose his failed marriage, the rocky relationship with his daughter, and his ailing movie career. Once all of these elements come together, why JCVD doesn’t simply clobber the bad guys is understandable; he’s no action hero, he’s just a has been and he knows it. So he doesn’t save the day with extreme prejudice, instead he does like all of the other hostages and obeys commands in order to walk out alive.
For the few of you who are unfamiliar with the “Universal Soldier” franchise (shame on you) let me bring you up to speed. So the story goes two badass soldiers die in Vietnam, and the US military (in their infinite wisdom) decides to use the dead bodies to create an army of unstoppable (though brain-dead) killing machines. Luc Deveraux (JCVD) and Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren) are the first two “UniSols” created to combat terrorist threats. The situation eventually evolves into good Unisol vs. bad UniSol when Deveraux begins to remember his past life, and Scott attempts to stomp Deveraux out of existence. Then Luc Deveraux returned for the 1999 flop, “Universal Soldier: The Return.” This was a terrible movie and most likely the reason you haven’t seen “Universal Soldier: Regeneration” yet. Well friends, when it comes to “Universal Soldier: Regeneration” let me tell you this: last night I dreamed that I punched a man to death. A man head-butted me, and I punched him in the face until he was dead. This was no coincidence. Universal Soldier: Regeneration, you made your point.
James Franco, I want to like you, I don’t know why, but I do. You were alright as Daniel Desario on “Freaks and Geeks.” You were no Bill Haverchuck, but you held your own. I couldn’t of cared less for your role in “Spiderman,” but you really pulled your shit together and knocked one out of the park as the lovably dopey stoner, Saul Silver, in “Pineapple Express.” Even though you haven’t dazzled me, for some reason I’ve been keeping my fingers crossed. But after watching “Good Time Max,” the movie that you co-wrote and directed, I’m throwing in the towel. 
If i didn’t know any better, I would have assumed the part of Max was written by a nine-year old. Max is handsome, liked by everybody, and is always the life of the party, but to top it all off he’s also a certified genius. Franco really drives this point home too as he solves moderately difficult math equations (like 36 times 24), lands himself a cushy job writing computer code, and constantly states, “I am a genius.” This would all be fine if it ever went anywhere, but it doesn’t. The genius aspect is completely irrelevant, and though we’re all supposed to connect or relate with Max, I couldn’t feel anything but contempt and annoyance with him, from beginning to end. I think James Franco tried his best, but like swimming against a rip tide, the harder he tried, the worse the situation got. 
Man, Michael Rapaport is awesome. Remember his role as Dick Ritchie in “True Romance,” or his part as Murray “Superboy” Babitch in “Copland?” Classics! So why has this man been resigned to playing bit roles and doing voiceovers for video games? Wait a minute, what’s this? Michael Rapaport has a starring role in a movie called “Special” and it was released in 2006? How the hell did this one slip past my radar? Thanks for picking up the slack, Netflix. This is why I pay you 16 bucks a month. 
Don’t be fooled by the blurb on the cover of Special that reads, “Laugh-out loud funny,” this movie isn’t a comedy. But it is sort of billed as a comedy. Why does this happen? Remember that movie called “The Ice Harvest?” Every single 
After watching The Atomic Cafe, I felt a lot better about my lot in life. Sure, today we have to worry about shoe bombers and exploding underwear on airplanes, but these stupid sacks, they had to worry about total nuclear annihilation! And how did they cope with this horrifying threat? They drank a lot. So next time your watching Mad Men and you’re all like, “Jeez, Don’s such a scumbag for cheating on Betty” give the guy a break. Alcohol makes people do stupid things, and the Cubans have the goddamn bomb! 
Zombies are fucking terrifying. Whether they be dead old dude, dead little girl, dead accountant, whatever, it doesn’t matter; dead anything shuffling towards you in droves is the ultimate, end all, be all, scariest thing in horror. So who gives a shit if the zombies happen to be nazis? But “Dead Snow” comes from Norway, and all I know is that Vikings come from there, and they churn out super scary black metal bands (those dudes burn down churches… with people in ‘em). Based on those two things, I knew these nazi zombies were going to scare the shit out of me. Whoops, I was wrong (sorry).
Netflix has spent the last month trying to get me to watch “Dear Zachary” and I finally caved. Oh man, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The premise sounded sweet and endearing: A guy named Andrew Bagby died, leaving behind an infant son who would never know his father. So, Andrews best friend Kurt decides to make a movie for the poor kid. That’s the only thing I knew about this movie prior to watching it, but that’s not the half of the story… not by a long shot. I’m not too proud to tell you I cried. I turned into a blubbering mess of tears and sobbed uncontrollably. Kurt Kuenne sought to make a documentary that would tell the life story of his best friend, but wound up documenting one of the most shocking and heart-wrenching stories I have ever seen.
When Kurt Kuenne discovered that his best friend had died, he wanted to put together a movie to preserve his memory, but when it’s revealed that Andrew had been murdered by a jealous ex-girlfriend, his movie takes a dramatic turn. It’s then discovered that Andrew’s murderer, Shirley Turner, is pregnant with his child. What follows is a moving story of two grief-stricken parents, Kate and David Bagby. When Shirley flees the United States for Newfoundland, the Bagby’s sell everything and move to Canada, hellbent on rescuing their grandson and seeing that this sociopathic maniac pays for her crime.
The story of the custody battle and extradition process which emerges within this documentary are bound to unleash all sorts of terrible emotions. I found myself cupping my hands over my mouth in disbelief, anxiously bitting my nails, and crying honest to god tears of pain and horror, but the movie isn’t all heartbreak. Balanced evenly throughout the movie are interviews with everyone who knew Andrew, and Andrew knew a lot of people. His friends, and family are interviewed, including his relatives in England with whom he spent summers. When all the parts come together, Kurt Kuenne is able to weave the most compelling story about a mans life I have ever heard. By the end of it, I felt things for this guy and his family that I have never felt (and probably never will feel) about my own family. I regretted the fact that I will never be able to meet Andrew Bagby.
The Rage in Placid Lake, unfortunately, is not a showdown between Muhammad Ali and a giant alligator (which would be awesome). Rather, Placid Lake is the name of a human being who is the protagonist of this movie. As if naming this dude “Placid Lake” weren’t bad enough, his mother sends him to his first day of school in a dress, in order to “challenge the preconceived notions of sexuality.” As a result of this crazy woman’s need to break gender boundaries, Placid gets beat up every day until he graduates high school. He tries to avoid the daily beat-downs, but it’s no use; his parents set him up for failure. So he figures, if I can’t beat ‘em, I’ll join ‘em. He gets a haircut, buys a suit, gets a corporate job, and totally sticks it to his parents, but at the same time he may end up ruining the only healthy relationship he has.
Considering the movie is called “The Rage in Placid Lake,” I would have expected more rage. I think a better name for this movie would have been “The Indignation in Placid Lake.” Placid is clearly bothered by his parents and his life, but there’s never much rage. There is one scene where he screams in front of a mirror, and another where he yells at his parents, but who hasn’t done that? I’ve yelled at my parents plenty – where’s my movie? Regardless, it’s still enjoyable. Ben Lee (who apparently is some sort of musician) gives a solid and funny performance as Placid, and Rose Byrne is super cute and terrific as the quasi-love interest, Gemma. Also, Claire Danes makes a baffling cameo. Plus, the movie is shot in Australia, and it’s fun pointing out the quirky little things they’ve got down under (like doorknobs mounted at shoulder height).
