Posted by at 4:27 am
Mar 022010

Mark another point for me in my ongoing battle to have a more impressive and diverse movie-viewing history than an eel and a fish COMBINED. They were going to call for the mercy rule, but I’m finally catching up! (Both fish and eels get to watch a lot of movies because they don’t have to sleep or work which is TOTALLY UNFAIR but whatever.) Anywho, the movie that put me back in the race is called “Delirious” – a title which, the more I type it, the more certain I become that I can’t possibly be spelling it correctly. And that, my friends, is the only negative thing I have to say about this movie (other than its glaring lack of boobs and robots).

Delirious (goddamnit) tells the story of a dopey homeless kid named Toby (played by Michael Pitt) who enters a strange working relationship with a wannabe papparazo named Les (played by Steve Buscemi). For the first half hour or so, the chemistry between these two is fucking priceless. Les’s jittery false pretention combined with Toby’s slow, stonerish wonderment and innocence results in some moments that are so quietly hilarious and endearing that I almost forgot how much I hate looking at Michael Pitt’s weird-ass face. (There’s something vaguely Culkin-esque about it which I just can’t trust.)

Just as you begin to think this is going to be a quirky buddy picture where our heroes wheel and deal their way to success via unconventional means, sadly, the catalyst for many a ruined friendship shows up – a love interest. (Psh…fuckin’ bitches, man.)

The movie then takes a more serious turn as Toby starts chasing skirts and fulfilling dreams, leaving Les to his sad and lonely life of big talk and small checks. Bummer. Just once I would like to see a character played by Steve Buscemi not get totally shit on. A movie where Buscemi just bones hot broads and shoots dinosaurs with plasma arrows. Also, he probably has rocket boots and some really badass tattoos of dragons and pumas that come to life and help him fight the dinosaurs (not like he needs the help). Then at the end, when he’s boned every broad in sight and the Boss Dinosaur is taking his last breath, Buscemi goes into the dinosaurs’ spaceship to get the treasure but all he finds is a note saying “The Greatest Treasure Is True Friendship” and we all get super bummed that we were tricked into learning a lesson. But then he flips the paper over and it says “JUST KIDDING. LOOK BEHIND YOU.” and he does and he sees so much gold and jewels that he fucking pukes everywhere. Roll credits.

When you get right down to it, Delirious is a pretty decent way to spend 107 minutes of your life that you probably would have wasted anyway. I give it 6 out of 8 pale, puffy-eyed, duck-lipped Culkins.