As you can see, today was not only packed full of adventure, but was more productive than usual – all thanks to a little movie called P2.
Scarlett from G.I. Joe plays Angela, a New York businesswoman who stays at work late on Christmas Eve due to her addiction to workahol. When her car won’t start, she seeks the help of the parking garage security guard Tom, played by the bag-filming guy from American Beauty. Tom can’t seem to make the car start either…but that’s only because HE SABOTAGED IT CUZ HE’S A NUTCASE. He does the ol’ “knock you out with chloroform then put you in a pretty dress and chain you to a table so you will have Christmas dinner with him” routine, but pulls a total rookie mistake by unchaining Angela so she can watch him run over a dude that got fresh with her at the office Christmas party. (Way to go, jackass.) So, of course, she books it and Tom has to chase her for like an hour, stopping only for a minute or two to sing along with “Blue Christmas” and get down with a teddy bear. Then, because she wasn’t satisfied with just being on my “Girls Who I Find Far Less Attractive As Blondes” list, Angela mercilessly stabs a dog to death with a tire iron, thereby causing me to create a whole new list called the “Girls I Can Never Find Attractive Again Because Every Time I Look At Them, All I Can Think Of Is The Time I Saw Them Stab A Dog To Death With A Tire Iron” list, on which she is (currently) the only entry. Anyway, then it’s a lot more chasing and screaming and whatnot. Will Angela manage to get away from her assailant without killing any more dogs?
So, all things considered, if you’re into the “scantily clad girls running from homicidal maniacs” type of thriller and you have 98 minutes to kill, you could do a lot worse than this movie. I give it 3 out of 5 murdered-ass dogs.
A Second Opinion
Tom’s just a dude who’s got a shitty job as a parking attendant. Tom’s got a mega crush on Angela, but she’s way out of his league. So he kidnaps and forces her to attend a delightful Christmas eve dinner – just the two of ’em. But wouldn’t you know it, there’s just no pleasing this girl! Pretty dresses, roses, make-up, dressing up as Santa Claus! Is this chick made of stone or something? Sure, Tom’s got a few problems, but just try finding good old fashioned dude like this now days. Take the kidnap and murder out of this movie, and you’ve got yourself a charming boy-meets-girl story, but the clever addition of kidnap and murder helped to keep my attention on an uneventful Monday morning. Give P2 a watch, and try not to feel a little bad for my boy, Tom.