The Cove

 Posted by at 3:36 am  3 Responses »
Jan 092011

Tl;dr – The Cove is “Bowling for Columbine” for dolphins.

Okay, here we go. Every couple of years, a documentary comes around that is touted as “important” – a word that in the film industry is code for “soul-crushing”. In 2009, that movie was The Cove. To no one’s surprise, it won the Oscar for Best Documentary and, like most “important” documentaries, large-toothed men in non-black suits and cowboy hats accused it of being fabricated propaganda. But all that is neither here nor there.

What is both here and there is that you should really probably watch this movie.

First, a little clarification: I wouldn’t call myself a “dolphin-lover”. I don’t own a sweet-ass dolphin necklace or a poster or a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. I’ve never even been to Sea World. In fact, when I think about dolphins, the first thing that comes to mind is this bizarre half-formed memory of being sick and shitting my pants while watching Flipper when I was little (it was last week). This is not to say that I’m dolphin-ignorant. I’ve seen Planet Earth. I’m fully aware that dolphins are one set of thumbs away from sending us back to the fuckin’ trees. I guess I’d describe my emotional relationship to dolphins as one of cautious respect.

That being said, The Cove straight fucked me up. Plus, now I’m totally gay for dolphins.

Here’s the skinny: In the 1960s a dude named Ric O’Barry captured and trained the dolphins that played Flipper (ugh…there’s that feeling again…gross). Basically, Flipper did for dolphins what the Taco Bell dog did for chihuahuas – people went batshit. So insatiable was the public’s appetite for frolicking, subservient dolphins that the marine entertainment industry exploded overnight.

Fast forward a few years. After some incredibly uncool shit goes down (which I won’t spoil for you), Ric O’Barry comes to the realization that this multi-billion dollar industry that he had a hand in creating is completely fucked up on every level imaginable so he does what anyone would do – he becomes a crazy-ass activist.

Director Louie Psihoyos and a group of guerrilla filmmakers team up with O’Barry and head to Taiji, Japan – the hub of the dolphin industry where every September, during their migration, dolphins are herded into a “secret cove” and captured by local fishermen. Some are sold to trainers and parks and some are sold for food. And according to O’Barry, shit gets pretty fucked.

In a shocking twist, O’Barry is not an insane person. Everything he said is true. After infiltrating the cove under the cover of darkness and setting up hidden cameras, the filmmakers capture events so flat-out abhorrent, they must be seen to be believed.

Ultimately, my list of reasons you should watch The Cove reads a lot like a list of reasons not to. I’m not going to lie to you – it’s a huge fucking bummer. But it’s an important bummer. You should really watch it.

I give it 5 out of 5 perfect spirals from Dan Marino. (Get it? He played for the Miami Dolphins. I’m trying to butch up after this teary sniffle-fest.)


 Posted by at 5:39 am  1 Response »
Jan 072011

Not since Santa With Muscles have I been so excited for a WWE superstar to grace the silver screen. When director Michael W. Watkins (who I’m sure you know from the 6 episodes of Quantum Leap he directed) signed onto this project, he was faced with a tall order: Somehow manage to wrangle the effervescent star power of Wendie Malick, Dennis Farina, and sassy little black kid phenom Bobb’e J. Thompson and let Paul “Big Show” Wight’s light shine.

Was Watkins able to accomplish this most daunting of tasks?

I honestly have no idea. I fell asleep 10 minutes into it.

Having only seen 10% of this movie, (you can now deduce that this movie is 100 minutes long, and you would be correct. THAT’S CALLED DOIN’ SOME MATHS, SON!) it would seem to the casual observer that there is no way I could, in good conscience, write a review for it. Well you know what, casual observer? I don’t like your attitude.

In fact, not only was 10 minutes enough…it felt like 9 minutes and 6 seconds too much. However, C.O. has a point. Which is why in lieu of a standard review, I have decided to instead give you, dear reader, a gift…the gift of time.

Below you will find the film “Knucklehead”, painstakingly re-edited to retain all the nuance of the original narrative, but condensed into a manageable 54 seconds.

You now have 99 minutes and 6 seconds to do something awesome. You’re welcome.


 Posted by at 7:06 am  Comments Off on Outsourced
Sep 242010

Did everyone have a happy equinox? I know I sure did…and if the 50 drained pig carcasses on my back yard altar are any indication, I’m gonna have one bountiful-ass harvest. (Much different from a bountiful ass-harvest. Hyphens are powerful things.)
Anyway, enough about the alignment so nice it happens twice…we all know the real reason for the season: Good TV is back.

I sat down this stagnant autumn eve (I would have liked to have said “blustery”, but it wasn’t and I’m not gonna lie to you guys for the sake of ambiance) to take in the NBC Thursday night lineup which, for the most part, has brought me a sizable amount of joy the past few years. (If you’re not at least watching Community and 30 Rock, you’re a gods damned tard.) Throughout the evening, I kept seeing commercials for a new show premiering called “Outsourced”, which appeared to be a borderline racist “fish out of water” situational comedy wherein a smarmy American 20-something moves to India to manage an outsourced call center full of offensively stereotypical Indian workers that comically misuse/misinterpret American colloquialisms.
(I’m 100% sure that someone pitched it as “It’s basically The Office but everyone talks like Apu” to which an NBC executive replied “AH-OOOOGA!” and his eyes turned into slot machine reels that spun and both landed on cherries and then a buzzer went off and then money started shooting out his mouth).

Did I watch it? Of course I watched it. You think just because a show looks like a half-hour-long backwards leap for society that I’m not gonna watch it? What else was I supposed to do until Sunny came on? So anyway, yeah, it was fucking terrible and pretty much what I expected (except no old Indian lady sang a Lady Gaga song while Too Cool McJeans shook his head in amused bafflement, but hey – it was only the first episode. You can’t shoot your comedy load right out the gate).

Trying to wrap my head around how this cultural abortion ended up on a major network while my groundbreaking idea for a Big Brother-style hide-and-seek gameshow called “Are You Smarter Than A Feral Cat?” goes unrealized, I did a little internet super-sleuthing and discovered “Outsourced” is actually based on a movie by the same name and whaddaya know…Netflix has it available to “watch instantly”.

In addition to being the source material for the most insipid television program since The O’Reilly Factor (zing!), the delightfully quirky and innocently hand-drawn  indie-romance cover art didn’t help this movie’s case any. I sat back, started the movie, and prepared myself to hate.

Brazenly defiant in the face of all evidence to the contrary, Outsourced is actually a really good movie. Like, not even just good for what it is…but like actually good for realsies. Well-written, well-acted, well-shot…I couldn’t believe it. Especially since it had bullshit written all over it. Here are a few of the themes explored:

– Stranger in a strange land
– Exaggeratedly evil corporate ambivalence
– Language barrier-based humor
– Witty jabs at American excess
– Forbidden cross-cultural love
– Underdogs pulling together to triumph at the last moment
– Losing everything to find yourself

Total cliché bullshit across the board, right? Yet somehow, it’s all delivered so honestly, dare I say sweetly, and without an ounce of pretension, you never think for a second to call it out. The characters are all so endearing and grounded in reality that when something flat out goofy goes down – like the excitable and oafish Indian worker trying to do his Robert DeNiro impression – it comes off as genuinely funny rather than some “Me rikey da flied lice” horseshit.

Besides introducing me to Ayesha Dharker, the new love of my life (Sorry Aisha Tyler…I’d love to marry you both, but a.) the two A(i/ye)shas thing would get confusing, and b.) that shit’s illegal. We’ve had a good run though…and we can still be friends…), Outsourced did something else unexpected, at least for its genre – It presented a completely plausible yet wholly satisfying ending. I was actually still grinning like a moron halfway through the credits.

Now, I’m completely willing to acknowledge the possibility that this movie isn’t as good as I think it is. It’s not infeasible that Outsourced caught me in a moment of weakness when I was susceptible to heart-warming douchery. It’s also conceivable that it just seemed remarkable in contrast to its ham-fisted, tactless television counterpart. Shit, maybe both. Or maybe – just maybe – it’s a great little movie that you should just shut up and watch.

I give Outsourced 9 out of 10 free-roaming sacred cows that you should totally be able to ride but I bet you’re not supposed to.


 Posted by at 1:21 am  2 Responses »
Jun 282010

Looking at the movie poster for “Teeth” with its artful use of negative space and understated Sundance Special Jury Prize, you may get the impression that someone “finally got it right”. But don’t be fooled – “Teeth” is just another cookie-cutter, film-by-numbers, money-making juggernaut in the tired and worn “Girls With Teeth In Their Vaginas” genre that has dominated theaters for the last decade.

I get it. You have teeth in your vagina. Big fucking whoop. It’s been done to death. Next.

What blows my mind is that of the 237 some odd movies that make up this grossly over-saturated genre, none of them have the balls to venture off the beaten path for even a moment. There’s a million things that could be done outside of the standard “Girl has teeth in her vagina -> Girl bites a bunch of rapist’s dicks off -> We all learn a very important lesson about not raping girls because they might have teeth in their vagina that will bite your fucking rapist dick off” formula.

For instance, what if one of the vag-teeth got a cavity? You could have a really captivating sub-plot involving the HMO arguing that technically, it’s neither dental nor gynecological exclusively, so they deny the claim. These are the sorts of issues that affect those who suffer from Vagina Dentada on a daily basis. Perhaps instead of exploiting these poor girls, making them the punchline of every single joke on late night TV, we should turn an understanding eye to them and, oh I don’t know, maybe try to help them. I’m looking in your direction, Science. I know that a douche that also whitens isn’t impossible. So what’s the hold-up?

Alright, this is getting progressively less funny. Go watch Teeth. It’s fucking amazing.

Oh…and try singing “Vagina Dentada” to the tune of “Hakuna Matada”. It’ll be in your head all day. You’re welcome.

I give Teeth 9 out of 10 munched up dicks. OM NOM NOM.

News Flash! – Resurrection

 Posted by at 1:20 am  Comments Off on News Flash! – Resurrection
Jun 282010

Almost two months. Damn.

Alright, where were we? Oh yeah…movies.

Here we go!

2012: Doomsday

 Posted by at 8:47 pm  9 Responses »
May 062010

Words cannot accurately describe the way I feel after watching “2012: Doomsday” but it’s something along the lines of lividity and total bafflement. This is Evangelical Christian propaganda, plain and simple. The movies tagline reads, “An ancient prophecy foretold. A scientific discovery revealed” but, in my opinion, should instead read, “In the face of insurmountable scientific evidence, we have co-opted the Mayan calender to legitimize our crackpot religious theories.” There are no scientific discoveries in this movie. In fact, “2012: Doomsday” kicks science square in the baby maker and laughs, as poor science is left to cry for its dignity.

This is an actually scene which takes place within the first ten minutes of the movie. It perfectly sums up the movie, and the entire 2012 argument:

    Science Guy A: “We believe the earths rotation is slowing, due to the solar systems alignment with the black hole at the center of the galaxy.”

    Science Guy B: “That’s impossible. NASA has known about these alignments for decades. We’ve run the calculations and there’s no way the gravitational force can significantly impact this planet.”

    Science Guy A: “(scratches head) I don’t know what’s causing it, of all our calculations, this is the only one that makes sense.”

In other words, it doesn’t matter what those hoity-toity snobs at NASA think, the only thing that could possibly explain an end of the world catastrophe is this insane cosmic alignment theory. Science be damned. As it turns out, Neil deGrasse Tyson says that on December 21, 2012 the center of the galaxy, the Sun and the Earth will align. Maybe there is some truth to this whole 2012 business… or maybe not. Tyson also explains that the center of the galaxy, the Sun and the Earth perfectly align every year on December 21. As for the science involved with the Earth slowing to a stop within the span of 48 hours, if the Earth slowed to a stop, we wouldn’t need to worry about earthquakes and tidal waves killing us all, because we would all be CATAPULTED INTO SPACE!

All of the scientific fallacies aside, the movie also rewrites history by audaciously claiming the ancient Mayans were actually practicing Christians. This is revealed when some archeologist discovers a crucifix within a Mayan ruin that dates back to 200 A.D. I think this is supposed to comfort Evangelicals who were a bit hesitant about buying into the theories of a heathen culture.

It might seem as though I am unfairly putting “2012: Doomsday” under the microscope. Sure, movies don’t always need to make sense. Sometimes you just have to ignore the inane and try to pull as much enjoyment from a shitty movie as possible, but “2012: Doomsday” isn’t simply a mindless action flick. Faith Films (the company that produced this movie) clearly states, “Faith Films is a new production and distribution company dedicated to creating exciting films that HONESTLY portray subjects, themes, and people of faith.” There is nothing honest about this movie. And I doubt any of their other films, such as “Apocalypse,” “Countdown: Jerusalem” and the upcoming “Meteor Apocalypse” (sequel to “Apocalypse?”) contain much honesty either. This is propaganda, and terrible propaganda to boot.

If you want to watch a mindless action movie about the end of the world in 2012, just watch the movie “2012.” Sure, it’s just as bad, but at least it will spare you all of the religious sentiment, plus you finally get to see Danny Glover as the President of the United States (the role he was born to play).

I give 2012: Doomsday: Time out with the dunce cap (Remember the dunce cap? The pointy hat that teachers used to make stupid kids wear. Those were mean times).

(P.S. I do not want to give the impression that I consider all Christians to be dunces, only the insane ones which pray for the end of the world.)


 Posted by at 6:35 pm  Comments Off on Cube
Apr 282010

For years now, people have been trying to get me to watch this film. I honestly have no idea why I’ve been so hesitant – it may have something to do with the fact that a cube killed my family and that I’m allergic to movies, but I’m probably reading into it too much. The point is that last night I finally gave in and quite frankly, I wish I’d folded sooner. Had I seen Cube thirteen years ago when it was released, I’m pretty sure it would have blown my mind and changed my life forever and honestly, there’s no telling where I’d be now. Senior Advisor to the President of Space, perhaps? A debonair Private Eye? A jackass with a Cube poster on his wall? The possibilities are endless.

Cube’s opening scene is so badass that my dog and I high-fived each other without even looking. Let me spoil it for you: A dude wakes up in a room with doors on each wall, the ceiling, and the floor. He silently goes to each door and opens it, revealing seemingly identical rooms on all sides. Obviously thinking “fuck it”, he walks through the last door he opened and into the center of the adjacent room. Suddenly there’s a quick, clean metallic noise – like a knife being unsheathed – and lines of blood form all over his face and body until he quietly peels apart into little squares of dude that drop to the ground like the weird, slimey ham cubes you put on salads at crappy buffets. It’s then that the camera changes focus, revealing a grid of bloody steel wires. The grid folds up, disappears, and boom – Title screen. At that moment, you are officially this movie’s bitch.

But Cube isn’t just one brutal death scene after another. That opening sequence just serves to show you what this place is capable of. The rest of the movie follows six other (slightly more cautious) unwilling participants as they wander about the Cube, looking for a way out whilst trying not to get dead in the process. No one remembers how they got there and each person seems to have been selected randomly, but as the “prisoners” get to talking (as prisoners do), they begin to discover that perhaps each other’s presence there isn’t so random after all. That’s when the paranoia and self-preservation kick in and the whole thing turns into “Survivor: Death Cube” (Dude I would watch the SHIT out of that for realsies).

While I can understand the paranoia and fear in a situation such as this, I have a hard time understanding the open hostility that everyone shows to one another. Now maybe I’ve just been lucky in that all my death cube experiences have been with the even-tempered and polite, or maybe these folks need to slow their goddamn rolls for a second or two. These constant strange over-reactions by a couple characters are the only moments that the film loses steam for me, and really, if that’s the worst thing you can say about a movie, it ain’t half bad – especially if it was made for only $365k…which it was. And that’s Canadian dollars, motherfucker. So that’s like six bucks U.S. which is super impressive.

So if you haven’t seen Cube, I’d strongly urge you to do so. Like, very strongly. No, seriously, do it. DUDE I WILL BITE YOUR COCKSUCKING FACE OFF. Sorry. It’s contagious.

I give Cube 4 out of 5 descents into madness and myself a gold star for resisting the urge to reference Portal throughout this review.



 Posted by at 8:44 pm  Comments Off on JCVD
Apr 262010

“JCVD” is not the typical high action, low budget, straight-to-DVD, movie we’ve all come to expect from Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, with the exception of one of the greatest credit sequences in movie history, JCVD doesn’t deliver much in the karate department. But what the movie lacks in martial arts, it more than makes up for in cinematic arts. This isn’t an action flick, it’s a moving and intimate portrayal of an actor turned industry joke. During Van Damme’s 25 year career in Hollywood, he has been consistently typecast, labeled a one-trick pony and found himself at the center of drug and relationship scandals. Jean-Claude Van Damme could have easily rectified his problems with karate chops, but in JCVD he faces all of the criticisms without resorting to violence, and in the process displays more vulnerability and humanity than any other actor in Hollywood to date.

Here’s the plot: after losing a messy custody battle with his ex-wife, not to mention losing a movie role to Steven Seagal, Van Damme heads back to Belgium to get his life in order and to get back in touch with his roots. Upon arriving in Belgium, tired and out of money, Van Damme heads over to the local bank to retrieve a wire transfer, but the bank has been taken over by three gun wielding maniacs. When the police mistakenly pin the whole mess on Jean-Claude, he soon becomes intrinsically wrapped up in the robbery. Jean-Claude Van Damme finds himself in a familiar predicament, but this time it’s real life and his Hollywood training can’t save him.

I know that this all seems like the perfect formula for action but as it turns out, it’s actually the perfect formula for exposing the human flaws within Jean-Claude Van Damme. Between the scenes inside and outside the bank, there are vignettes which reflect JCVD’s deteriorating situation. These scenes expose his failed marriage, the rocky relationship with his daughter, and his ailing movie career. Once all of these elements come together, why JCVD doesn’t simply clobber the bad guys is understandable; he’s no action hero, he’s just a has been and he knows it. So he doesn’t save the day with extreme prejudice, instead he does like all of the other hostages and obeys commands in order to walk out alive.

If this all sounds a bit too touchy-feely, well, I guess it is. Sure, there’s plenty of action and excitement too, but when all of those aspects are forgotten, what you will remember about this movie comes in at about the 1 hour mark: at this point the camera locks in on JCVD and the movie stops. JCVD is lifted out of the scene and then he delivers one of the most stirring monologues I’ve ever heard. In this five minute monologue JCVD confronts the criticisms that have plagued his career, taking responsibility and showing true remorse and character. I don’t want to give too much away, but by the end of the scene JCVD cries, and then you cry. When this scene comes, don’t fight back the tears. Let them come naturally (they will come) so that you and JCVD can share this moment together.

As JCVD Appreciation Week draws to a close I can’t think of a better movie to end it with. Whether you love or hate JCVD, after seeing this movie I guarantee you are bound to walk away with a better appreciation of the man, and his movies.

I give JCVD: Custody of my heart


 Posted by at 2:13 pm  Comments Off on Bloodsport
Apr 252010

When we began JCVD Appreciation Week, we decided to focus on the less popular titles under the assumption that everyone has seen the classics. You would think that somewhere along the line, most people would have stumbled into Bloodsport half way through on daytime TNT or walked into their creepy uncle’s house while he was watching Cyborg or, at the very least, fallen asleep with the TV on and woken up to Timecop. But talking with some folks the other day, I realized that an unsettlingly large percentage of people are not down with their JCVD roots. While this may be completely understandable, it’s still unacceptable. Let’s get you some culture.

5 Reasons To Watch Bloodsport Tonight

(Other Than The Fact That It’s The Best Movie Ever)

1.) Donald Gibb is decidedly unfuckwithable. That’s why no one calls “bullshit” when his character Ray Jackson is somehow easily able to go all the way to Hong Kong to fight in a secret and highly exclusive martial arts tournament despite having no martial arts training. His ability to decimate dudes’ heads by smashing his meaty fists down upon them is enough. Fucking badass. By the by, did you know that in real life this dude actually owns a  brewery in Chicago called “Trader Todd’s Adventure Beer”? My life’s goal is to get a hug from this man.

2.) Bloodsport is the only film in existence wherein you can see a young Forest Whitaker chase a giggling, showboating JCVD through the streets of Hong Kong. You may also notice that he doesn’t look much different in 1988 than he does now, which proves my theory that Forest Whitaker is a magical, timeless being, wholly unaffected by the laws of nature.

3.) You probably know that the Mortal Kombat character Johnny Cage is based on JCVD…but did you know his signature nut punch was inspired by this amazing scene?

4.) I can’t be positive, but I’m pretty sure in the flashback scenes showing JCVD as a gawky teenager, the actual voice of the child actor was replaced by JCVD himself doing a falsetto. If that is the case, it is positively the best thing ever. And if it isn’t? Fuck it. It is in my mind and that’s all that matters.

5.) I assume that much of the supporting cast never spoke English before doing this movie or probably after. With subtitles apparently not in the budget, the resulting dialogue is some of the best delivered you will find anywhere on Earth. If you were to try to write down a collection of “memorable quotes” from Bloodsport, it would just be a copy of the script.

So there you have it. If you have somehow managed to never see Bloodsport, you need to get the fuck on it, if not only to realize how many times you’ve unknowingly seen it referenced in other movies. It’s an American classic and you are doing yourself a disservice by remaining ignorant to its awesomeness. You should be ashamed.

I give Bloodsport infinite roundhouse kicks out of a possible 10.

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

 Posted by at 8:58 pm  Comments Off on Universal Soldier: Regeneration
Apr 242010

For the few of you who are unfamiliar with the “Universal Soldier” franchise (shame on you) let me bring you up to speed. So the story goes two badass soldiers die in Vietnam, and the US military (in their infinite wisdom) decides to use the dead bodies to create an army of unstoppable (though brain-dead) killing machines. Luc Deveraux (JCVD) and Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren) are the first two “UniSols” created to combat terrorist threats. The situation eventually evolves into good Unisol vs. bad UniSol when Deveraux begins to remember his past life, and Scott attempts to stomp Deveraux out of existence. Then Luc Deveraux returned for the 1999 flop, “Universal Soldier: The Return.” This was a terrible movie and most likely the reason you haven’t seen “Universal Soldier: Regeneration” yet. Well friends, when it comes to “Universal Soldier: Regeneration” let me tell you this: last night I dreamed that I punched a man to death. A man head-butted me, and I punched him in the face until he was dead. This was no coincidence. Universal Soldier: Regeneration, you made your point.

Universal Soldier: Regeneration begins with an awesome kidnapping heist. Masked men armed with automatic weapons rush into a museum and nab the son and daughter of the Russian president. Then there is a phenomenal car chase scene, and a daring escape via a helicopter. The action kicks in at about the 30 second mark and never stops. As it turns out, the presidents kids were kidnapped by the leader of a rebel group seeking to secede from Russia. To show that they mean business, the rebels have occupied Chernobyl and rigged the nuclear power plant with enough explosives to create a blast 100 times larger than that of Hiroshima. As if things weren’t bad enough, the rebels also have UniSols, in the form of Dolph Lundgren and Andrei “The Pitbull” Arlovski. Holy shit! Did you click on that link? Did you see that guy? I bet it’s going to take some sort of one man army to stop these fellas.

Not long into the movie it’s revealed that Luc Deveraux (remember, from the first movie?) is undergoing some kind of rehab in Switzerland in an effort to prevent his murderous tendencies and help revive his lost memories. Due to this plot device, JCVD spends the first half of the movie out of sight. This might be my chief complaint about this movie if JCVD weren’t consistently kicking the living shit out of people whenever he was on screen. The first taste of JCVD’s martial arts fury comes at the expense of some hapless Swiss towny who’s in the wrong place at the wrong time. This scene is terrific and it establishes that Luc Deveraux is an untamable animal who’s eternally hellbent on taking lives. Knowing that old dogs don’t learn new tricks, Deveraux heads off to Chernobyl to put an end to an international nuclear threat, and to stop the evil UniSols once and for all.

Sure, die hard science nerds might argue the logistics of freezing and reanimating corpses, let alone the bodies ability to withstand numerous point-blank gunshot and stab wounds, but I say to hell with those science nerds, Universal Soldier: Regeneration is plain old, action packed, fun. By and large the acting is never too over the top, but director John Hyams wisely decided to keep the focus away from the script, and more on the action. As a result, JCVD, Lundgren, and Arlovski all have minimal lines in the movie, which just maximizes their ability to kick ass. It seems that after 18 years, Hyams finally realized what made the Universal Soldier franchise worth watching. After a brief search online, I found that this movie was made on a 14 million dollar budget. While that may seem like a lot of money, the original was made on a 23 million dollar budget, and those were 1991 dollars. So while the movie never feels like a blockbuster on the scale of Roland Emmerich’s original, it instead manages to feel like a well directed episode of “24” boiled down to all of the action, and this is not a bad thing. As far as JCVD movies go, put Universal Soldier: Regeneration on the top of your Netflix queue (oh, I almost forgot to mention how Dolph Lundgren dies. It involves a pipe and a shotgun and is probably the best death scene I’ve ever witnessed).

I give Universal Soldier: Regeneration: 8 Three Mile Island incidences out of 10 Chernobyl catastrophes